


One Nice Thing

by mybrianisfried



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: F/M, Group chat, M/M, Normal AU, also he writes poetry, baz almost dies a bunch of times, baz is a shakespeare nerd, but hey it's funny and also kinda angsty, but not like in an angsty way, i wrote this in some of my classes, i'm basically making personalities out of nothing for dev niall and micah, im just projecting onto dev half the time, im sorry that agatha isnt in this a lot, micah uses emoticons too much, texting fic, the usernames suck, there are some original characters but they're just mentioned, there's a mention of a panic attack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-07-18 09:16:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16115402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mybrianisfried/pseuds/mybrianisfried
Summary: Simon, Penny, Baz, and Agatha are all in a group chat. Baz is a disaster who texts Niall and Dev a lot.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so i wrote this at school (during classes because im a rebel) and i finally typed up the first chapter in like a few hours, hope you enjoy!

_ PenandPaper made a group chat. _

_ PenandPaper renamed the chat to “we all died and this is hell” _

_ PenandPaper added simonsays, BasilLeaves, and Wellbeloved into the chat. _

 

[simonsays]

y did u add baz in th chat

 

[BasilLeaves]

How polite.

 

[PenandPaper]

i have my reasons

 

[Wellbeloved]

I never agreed to any of this

 

[PenandPaper]

ruining one’s life does not require their consent

 

[BasilLeaves]

But it does, doesn’t it?

 

[PenandPaper]

you don’t need to ask for permission to kidnap someone

 

[Wellbeloved]

did you just compare being added in a group chat to kidnapping?

 

[PenandPaper]

yes.

 

[simonsays]

2 b faoair its simlar

 

[BasilLeaves]

That gave me a headache reading it.

 

[PenandPaper]

yeah same

 

[Wellbeloved]

to be honest, same here

 

[simonsays]

u guys r jrks

 

[BasilLeaves]

please type properly

 

[simonsays]

how bout no

 

[PenandPaper]

i’m with baz

 

[BasilLeaves]

Thank you.

 

[simonsays]

w8 did baz actally say ty

 

[BasilLeaves]

I said “Thank you.” Pay attention, Snow.

And spell “actually” correctly.

 

[simonsays]

no

actally

acktally

ackttaleee ackshualee

 

[BasilLeaves]

My headache returned.

 

[PenandPaper]

not surprised this is awful i feel regret

 

[simonsays]

penny whre are u i cant find you

[PenandPaper]

are you

are you at the library

 

[simonsays]

yes????? 

 

[PenandPaper]

simon, i’m not there

 

[simonsays]

but you told me u were there

_ gasp _ where you lying

[PenandPaper]

i texted you

something came up

 

[Wellbeloved]

Micah?

 

[PenandPaper]

maybe

 

[simonsays]

traitor

but its fine say hi to micah 4 me

 

[PenandPaper]

im really sorry

 

[simonsays]

its ok ill study by myself

have fun

 

[simonsays]

guysguysguysguyysysguys

i cant study this si gibberish

 

[Wellbeloved]

I have to make up a test

can’t help, sorry

 

[simonsays]

oh okay its fine good luck

guess ill die

 

[BasilLeaves]

I’ll help you fucking study, Snow.

 

[simonsays]

really?!

 

[BasilLeaves]

Yes. You’re in the school library, right?

 

[simonsays]

ya where else

im near the fantasy shelves

 

[BasilLeaves]

Okay, go to the "boring" section with the books on economics and shit.

 

[simonsays]

k im there

i see you

 

_ PenandPaper > simonsays _

[PenandPaper]

did Baz actually help you study?

 

[simonsays]

ya he helped me a lot

[PenandPaper]

i’m glad

 

[simonsays]

he was weirdly prepared

 

[PenandPaper]

that’s because he pays attention in class

 

[simonsays]

oh

but yea i did good on the test

i havent gotten it back yet but i knew everything

  
  


_ we all died and this is hell _

 

[simonsays]

hey baz thanks for helping me study

 

[BasilLeaves]

No problem.

  
  


_ our families suck (for the most part) _

 

[NiallandHammer]

saw you with simon

 

[BasilLeaves]

I was helping him study.

[Devastatingdisaster]

you do realize that doesn’t make the situation much different

 

[BasilLeaves]

Yes, I realize that.

 

[NiallandHammer]

we dont want you to be heartbroken

 

[BasilLeaves]

I’m fine. I’ve accepted that he’ll never feel the same way. I did something nice  _ once _ . It doesn’t change anything.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

okay…

  
  


_ we all died and this is hell _

 

[simonsays]

hey baz i have a test on monday can you help me study

 

[PenandPaper]

i’ll help you study

 

[simonsays]

oh ok cool thought you’d want to spend some more time with micah ik im annoying

 

[PenandPaper]

you’re not annoying and I can spend more time with Micah tomorrow

 

[BasilLeaves]

Anyway, Snow, I’m busy now. I’m heading home and doing homework.

[simonsays]

what about l8ter?

 

[BasilLeaves]

I have hobbies, Snow. I do other things.

 

[simonsays]

please?

 

_ simonsays > PenandPaper _

[simonsays]

im trying to spend more time with baz and he isnt letting me

 

[PenandPaper]

explain from the beginning, simon.

 

[simonsays]

so u know how baz and i used to be enemies and all that

 

[PenandPaper]

yes

 

[simonsays]

now were kinda friends but he doesnt want me to be his friend

studying with him was nice

hes smart and all that

but like

he hates me

 

[PenandPaper]

. . .

  
  


_ our familes suck (for the most part) _

 

[BasilLeaves]

I may have almost died.

 

[NiallandHammer]

wh

what

why

 

[BasilLeaves]

I tripped on a metal thing and nearly landed face-first into a pile of sharp rocks.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

was snow there

 

[BasilLeaves]

No, why did you assume that? It’s not like I tripped because he was telling me something.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

was he texting you?

 

[BasilLeaves]

Perhaps.

 

[NiallandHammer]

ooh what

 

_ BasilLeaves sent a photo. _

 

[NiallandHammer]

so he said please and then you almost died

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

wow baz you’re a bit of a disaster

 

[NiallandHammer]

a bit? try a lot

 

[BasilLeaves]

I’m never doing anything nice for Simon Snow ever again.

 

[NiallandHammer]

okay why are you lying i see you buying a scone

a sour cherry scone

you’re giving him a scone

you’re such a liar

 

[BasilLeaves]

Why the fuck are you in the bakery Snow likes?

 

[NiallandHammer]

I could ask you the same question

 

[BasilLeaves]

I don’t know what I’m doing.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

mood

 

[NiallandHammer]

FUCK SNOW’S HERE

FUCKFUCKFUCK HE SAW ME

HE ASKED WHERE YOU ARE

okay i told him you died

wait fuck

okay i told him you’re practicing violin and you’re at home

 

_ simonsays > BasilLeaves _

[simonsays]

did you almost die???

 

[BasilLeaves]

No.

 

[simonsays]

bc i would miss you if you did

  
  


_ our families suck (for the most part) _

 

_ BasilLeaves sent a photo. _

 

[BasilLeaves]

FUCKFUCKFUCK

What do I do? Help me out here.

 

[NiallandHammer]

holy fucking shit baz

 

[BasilLeaves]

What do I do??

  
  


_ BasilLeaves > simonsays _

[BasilLeaves]

Neat.

  
  


_ our familes suck (for the most part) _

 

[BasilLeaves]

I did something stupid.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

what

what did you reply

 

_ BasilLeaves sent a photo. _

 

[NiallandHammer]

baz you fucking disaster

you cant reply neat when someone tells you that they’d miss you if you died

 

[BasilLeaves]

I KNOW.

I PANICKED.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN THAT HAPPENS?

 

[NiallandHammer]

“aww thanks”??

“i’d miss you too”??

[BasilLeaves]

Those are too nice.

I’m trying to be cold and uncaring.

 

[NiallandHammer]

_ neat _

 

[BasilLeaves]

I PANICKED, OKAY?

  
  


_ simonsays > PenandPaper _

 

_ simonsays sent a photo. _

 

[PenandPaper]

. . .

are you kidding me

[simonsays]

no

he replied with neat

im not joking

  
  


_ PenandPaper > BasilLeaves _

[PenandPaper]

did you

did you reply with “neat”

 

[BasilLeaves]

I’m guessing Snow showed you.

 

[PenandPaper]

yes

 

[BasilLeaves]

Look, I panicked. How are you  _ supposed _ to reply?

 

[PenandPaper]

“i’d miss you too”??? because we all know you would

 

[BasilLeaves]

You have no proof.

 

[PenandPaper]

i have tons of proof

you like simon

it’s fucking obvious

 

[BasilLeaves]

You know nothing.

 

[PenandPaper]

i know how you look at him

i know how you feel about him

i know

and i also know you have more of a chance than you think

 

[BasilLeaves]

Wait, what?

  
  


_ PenandPaper made a group chat. _

_ PenandPaper renamed the chat to “can those idiots just get together already”. _

_ PenandPaper added NiallandHammer and Devastatingdisaster. _

 

[PenandPaper]

they’re disasters

 

[NiallandHammer]

the “neat” thing?

 

[PenandPaper]

yeah

not only

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

oh yea baz is always like “im never doing anything nice for snow” and then he does really nice things

 

[PenandPaper]

like helping him study?

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

yeah exactly

 

[NiallandHammer]

i still cant get over how baz almost died in a pile of rocks because simon said please

 

[PenandPaper]

wait what

this is the first i’ve heard of this

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

wait penny are you with simon right now

 

[PenandPaper]

yeah

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

has baz given him the scone yet

 

[PenandPaper]

wait no what

  
  


_ our families suck (for the most part) _

 

[NiallandHammer]

baz have you given simon the scone

 

[BasilLeaves]

I was going to do that now… 

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

tell us what happens

 

[BasilLeaves]

No.

 

[NiallandHammer]

why not

 

[BasilLeaves]

Okay, fine.

I left the scone at his locker. (He has a club or something today.)

Fuck he saw me.

 

[BasilLeaves]

That was so awkward I’m never doing anything again.

 

[NiallandHammer]

what happened??

 

[BasilLeaves]

Okay, so he saw me leaving the scone at his locker and asked me what I was doing but then I gave him the scone and ran away.

 

[NiallandHammer]

. . .

should i say “neat”?

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

i…

baz

you’re a fucking disaster

 

[BasilLeaves]

I KNOW.

  
  


_ simonsays > BasilLeaves _

[simonsays]

the scone was good

thanks

idk why you left so quickly

  
  


_ can those idiots get together already _

 

[PenandPaper]

baz really is a complete disaster

 

[NiallandHammer]

for sure

did simon tell you about the scone thing

 

[PenandPaper]

i saw it happen

i was at my locker

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

TELL US

 

[PenandPaper]

it was hilarious

baz just shoved the bag to simon

then he actually ran away

 

[NiallandHammer]

THATS HILARIOUS DID YOU TAKE A VIDEO

 

[PenandPaper]

i wish

it happened quickly

just imagine it 10x funnier than you’re imagining it right now

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

thats amazing i wish i was there

  
  


_ we’re all dead and this is hell _

 

[simonsays]

agatha where are you you havent been online 4 a while

 

[Wellbeloved]

busy

ttyl

 

[simonsays]

oh ok

 

[PenandPaper]

im going on a date with Micah, you won’t see me on for a few hours

 

[simonsays]

k

 

[BasilLeaves]

Simon, is that you outside my house?

 

[simonsays]

mayybee

 

[BasilLeaves]

May I ask why?

 

[simonsays]

to study!

 

[BasilLeaves]

I’m busy.

 

[simonsays]

then 2 hang out

 

[BasilLeaves]

You want to hang out?

 

[simonsays]

sure why not

  
  


_ our families suck (for the most part) _

 

[BasilLeaves]

Guys, I need help.

[NiallandHammer]

why whats wrong

what did simon do

 

[BasilLeaves]

He’s outside my fucking house.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

wait WHAT

 

[BasilLeaves]

Yes.

He says he wants to hang out.

 

_ BasilLeaves sent a photo. _

 

[NiallandHammer]

holy shit he actually typed that

 

_ BasilLeaves sent a photo. _

 

[NiallandHammer]

holy shit he’s outside your house

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

ok what are you going to do

  
  


_ we’re all dead and this is hell _

 

[simonsays]

so are u going to let me in

 

[BasilLeaves]

Fine.

  
  


_ our families suck (for the most part) _

 

[BasilLeaves]

I let him in.

Time to be a disappointment to my whole family :).

 

[NiallandHammer]

mood

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

you arent a disappointment to me

 

[NiallandHammer]

or me

 

[BasilLeaves]

Thanks you guys.

 

[Devastingdisaster]

now tell us what’s going on with snow

 

[BasilLeaves]

Good news: My father isn’t home.

Bad news: Daphne is, along with everyone else.

Good news: They aren’t my father.

 

[NiallandHammer]

wait how are you texting us if you’re with Simon

 

[BasilLeaves]

He’s on his phone as well.

 

_ simonsays > PenandPaper _

 

[simonsays]

baz isnt talking to me at all

 

[PenandPaper]

maybe because you’re texting me

 

[simonsays]

shitshitshit

 

[simonsays]

its all good

 

[PenandPaper]

?

 

[simonsays]

bazs stepmother said hi to me

she seems nice

  
  


_ BasilLeaves > simonsays _

 

[BasilLeaves]

Get off your phone, Simon.

 

[simonsays]

youre also on ur phone

 

[BasilLeaves]

Yes, because you are.

Maybe we shouldn’t text all of this.

Talking is a thing that exists.

 

[simonsays]

ya but it isnt as fun

hey what if fun was pronounced like fune

 

[BasilLeaves]

What the fuck, Snow?

 

[simonsays]

yeah i have weird thoughts smtmes

dont worry bout them

maybe we really should talk

 

[BasilLeaves]

Texting is easier.

Less awkward.

Also we can’t be heard.

 

[simonsays]

y dont u want ppl to hear us?

 

[BasilLeaves]

Maybe I’ll say something stupid.

 

[simonsays]

???

 

[BasilLeaves]

At least now I can think before I say anything.

 

[simonsays]

are you… are you meaning to be this open about everything

 

[BasilLeaves]

Maybe I am, Snow.

Is there a problem?

 

[simonsays]

not at all

its nice

u arent usually like this

  
  


_ our families suck (for the most part) _

 

[BasilLeaves]

I’m doing something incredibly stupid right now.

Someone call me so I have an excuse to leave the room.

 

[NiallandHammer]

k

 

_ Incoming call from NiallandHammer. _

 

_ simonsays > PenandPaper _

 

[simonsays]

nothing good will ever happen

 

[PenandPaper]

what did Baz do now?

 

[simonsays]

ok so he was being really open with me and it was gr8

but then his phone rang and he left

 

[PenandPaper]

maybe it was important

 

[simonsays]

he didnt even say anything he just left the room

 

[PenandPaper]

i have to go

sorry

(please dont text me too much for like… idk)

 

[simonsays]

oh ok

srry

  
  


_ our families suck (for the most part) _

__

[BasilLeaves]

What happened?

Why did you hang up?

 

[NiallandHammer]

sorry

had to go

i can still text

 

_ simonsays > BasilLeaves _

__

[simonsays]

wht happned y did u leave

 

[BasilLeaves]

You know why, Snow.

 

[simonsays]

no i dont??

 

[BasilLeaves]

Someone called me.

Dinner’s soon.

Are you going to stay?

 

[simonsays]

i can?

 

[BasilLeaves]

Preferably not.

My father’s going to be home.

 

[simonsays]

ok how does this affect anything

 

[BasilLeaves]

Just take it into account.

I would love for you to stay, but my father…

 

[simonsays]

youd love for me to stay???

but you hate me

 

[BasilLeaves]

No.

Fuck no.

Simon.

I don’t hate you.

  
  


_ our families suck (for the most part) _

 

[BasilLeaves]

Niall why did you hang up

I’m doing incredibly stupid things

 

[NiallandHammer]

what kind of stupid things?

 

_ BasilLeaves sent a photo. _

 

[NiallandHammer]

INCREDIBLY STUPID THINGS

BAZ WHY

 

[BasilLeaves]

I don’t know.

Maybe I’ve gone insane.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

yes you have

this is awful

or maybe rlly good??

 

[BasilLeaves]

Awful.

 

[NiallandHammer]

it’s awful

 

[BasilLeaves]

Definitely awful.

  
  


_ simonsays > BasilLeaves _

[simonsays]

you dont???

but youre always so mean

and then we werent exactly enemies

so i wanted to b friends with u

  
  


_ our families suck (for the most part) _

 

_ BasilLeaves sent a photo. _

 

[NiallandHammer]

i dont envy you right now

this sucks

 

[BasilLeaves]

I know.

We aren’t even in the same room.

I’m texting him from the hallway outside.

I can’t go in.

I want all this to stop.

 

[NiallandHammer]

ill be right there

 

[BasilLeaves]

What?

No.

I mean…

Please,

but no.

 

[NiallandHammer]

Already heading over to your house

  
  


_ simonsays >  PenandPaper _

 

[simonsays]

penny

ik u said not to txt u but i need help

 

[PenandPaper]

it’s fine to text me

what happened

who do i need to bury

 

[simonsays]

no burying

baz isnt replying

 

_ simonsays sent a photo. _

 

[PenandPaper]

holy

fucking

shit

  
  


_ can those idiots get together already _

 

[PenandPaper]

i

guys

do you know what’s happening

 

[NiallandHammer]

very much so

baz is freaking out

i’m worried

 

[PenandPaper]

simon’s also kind of worried

 

[NiallandHammer]

im heading over to baz’s house

to help

i know it’s a bad idea

but i dont want baz to like

die

 

[PenandPaper]

okay good luck

give us updates

 

[NiallandHammer]

ill try

 

[NiallandHammer]

we’re in the bathroom

baz is sitting down on the floor

baz is trying not to hyperventilate

i think hes having a panic attack help

 

[NiallandHammer]

okay

everything’s okay

we’re out of the bathroom

im not sure what happened

FUCK

 

[NiallandHammer]

FUCKFUCKFUCK

SIMON CAME OUT OF BAZ’S ROOM

BAZ RAN AWAY

OKAY HES ESCAPED TO THE BATHROOM

 

[NiallandHammer]

simon and i had a very awkward conversation

okay im with baz

he’s okay

 

[NiallandHammer]

okay it’s time for dinner

i have to leave

but baz is okay

  
  


**Later that night**

 

_ BasilLeaves > NiallandHammer _

[BasilLeaves]

Thank you for everything.

 

[NiallandHammer]

no problem

what are friends for

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon comes to a realization. Penny, Niall, and Dev do some exposing and plan something. Baz is a disaster and they learn something surprising about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i wrote part of this in class, part of this at home in the same notebook, and part of it on my laptop. i'm just glad i posted it so soon. i hope you enjoy!

_ PenandPaper > simonsays _

 

[PenandPaper]

how did yesterday go?

 

[simonsays]

pretty ok

some weird parts tho

niall came over 4 some reason??

then baz ran away

but dinner was good

the food was tasty

but kind of awkward tbh

i dont think baz’s dad likes me very much

 

[PenandPaper]

yeah i mean

he has his reasons

shitty, horrible, awful reasons

but reasons

 

[simonsays]

what reasons

 

[PenandPaper]

i don’t think i can say

it’s Baz’s business

i just figured it out

 

[simonsays]

tellll meee

 

[PenandPaper]

no, simon

it’s baz’s business

i have no right to tell you

 

[simonsays]

i guess ur right… i dont want to ruin any chance of like

you know

with baz

 

[PenandPaper]

a friendship?

something else?

 

[simonsays]

w8 wat do u mean

 

[PenandPaper]

a romantic relationship, Simon

 

[simonsays]

wait what

 

[simonsays]

im not gay

but baz is

like

his EYES

and like

everything about him

and i want to be closer to him

and you know

hes just

yeah

 

[PenandPaper]

. . .

 

[simonsays]

oh

OH

OH

OH SHIT

 

[PenandPaper]

finally

 

[simonsays]

how long have you known?

 

[PenandPaper]

a while

 

[simonsays]

wow…

well

what should i do

 

[PenandPaper]

nope

not helping you out any more

 

[simonsays]

pennyyyy

 

[PenandPaper]

nope

  
  


_ can those idiots get together already _

 

[PenandPaper]

simon finally realized

 

[NiallandHammer]

realized what?

that baz is in love with him or that he’s in love with baz?

 

[PenandPaper]

you honestly expect him to realize the first

it took him this long to realize the second

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

how did he take it

 

_ PenandPaper sent a photo. _

 

[NiallandHammer]

oh my

 

[PenandPaper]

yeah

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

baz took it

more calmly???

i mean he was more like

“it makes sense but im still going to internally scream 24/7”

 

[PenandPaper]

thats a mood

  
  


_ simonsays > BasilLeaves _

[simonsays]

hey

 

[BasilLeaves]

I’m sorry about yesterday.

I’m sorry about everything.

I didn’t mean for all that to happen.

You just wanted to hang out.

 

[simonsays]

its okay baz

are you okay

thats the important part

 

[BasilLeaves]

I’m fine.

 

[simonsays]

you sure?

 

[BasilLeaves]

Yes.

I hope my father wasn’t completely awful.

 

[simonsays]

he wasnt but i dont think he liked me v much

 

[BasilLeaves]

He didn’t.

It’s not your fault.

Well, not all the reasons are your fault.

 

[simonsays]

oh ok

 

[BasilLeaves]

He doesn’t like it when I have… boys over. And you’re the last person he would approve of.

[simonsays]

oh

are you

 

[BasilLeaves]

Gay? Yes.

 

[simonsays]

oh ok

 

[BasilLeaves]

Do you have a problem?

 

[simonsays]

no of course not

 

[BasilLeaves]

Good.

 

[simonsays]

idk what i am

 

[BasilLeaves]

You’re not straight?

 

[simonsays]

i dont think so

theres this guy

[BasilLeaves]

Oh.

  
  


_ our families suck (for the most part) _

 

[BasilLeaves]

Excuse me, I’m going to jump off a cliff.

 

[NiallandHammer]

what happened

dont do that

what did simon do

 

_ BasilLeaves sent a photo. _

  
  


_ can those idiots get together already _

 

_ NiallandHammer sent a photo. _

 

[PenandPaper]

HOLY FUCKING SHIT HE ACTUALLY SAID THAT

 

_ NiallandHammer sent a photo. _

 

[PenandPaper]

i cant im going to laugh out loud in the library

i’m stuffing my shirt in my mouth to not laugh

baz is the oblivious one now

and simon’s indirectly saying he likes him without knowing baz likes him back

this is hilarious

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

niall we really have to reply to baz

he’s probably going to run away and hide in a cave ignoring his feelings for the rest of eternity

 

[NiallandHammer]

then we’ll bring him food

 

[PenandPaper]

okay you guys do that i’ll study

  
  


_ our families suck (for the most part) _

 

[NiallandHammer]

oh dear

ask him who it is

 

[BasilLeaves]

What’s the point? He’s not straight, but he likes another guy. Life is meaningless right now. I never thought this would happen.

I thought I would just get my heart broken by him 

But not like this.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

ask him who it is

 

[BasilLeaves]

Why?

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

just do it

 

_ BasilLeaves > simonsays _

[BasilLeaves]

May I ask who it is?

 

_ simonsays > PenandPaper _

[simonsays]

pen

penny

help

baz is asking me who i like

 

_ simonsays sent a photo. _

 

[simonsays]

HELP ME OUT HERE

 

[PenandPaper]

tell him

 

[simonsays]

THATS A STUPID IDEA

 

[PenandPaper]

that’s what you think

 

[simonsays]

im getting advice from someone else

 

[PenandPaper]

simon you literally only text like three people

me, baz, and sometimes agatha

dont tell me you’re going to get advice from agatha

 

[simonsays]

idk

im not going to tell baz though

 

[PenandPaper]

suit yourself

  
  


_ simonsays > BasilLeaves _

[simonsays]

no sorry

its private

 

[BasilLeaves]

Oh, okay.

That’s fine.

What’s he like?

 

[simonsays]

uhhh

he is a human person

 

[BasilLeaves]

So specific.

It’s fine, I don’t care about your love life.

 

[simonsays]

hes amazing

his eyes

and like

everything about him

idk

but hes like

yeah

he probably doesnt like me back tho

 

[BasilLeaves]

Yeah… I know how it feels.

 

[simonsays]

u like someone???

 

[BasilLeaves]

Yes. No more questions.

 

[simonsays]

oh

ok

gtg anyway

penny wants me to go to the library

to study

on a saturday

can you belive

i mean i may have a tst on mnday

but still

believe**

[BasilLeaves]

Good luck on your test.

 

[simonsays]

thx

but well see each other before then

right?

you can wish me luck then

or text me luck

snail mail me luck

message pigeon me luck

 

[BasilLeaves]

They’re called homing pigeons, Snow.

And I’ll send you luck in a present for your birthday

 

[simonsays]

but my brthdays rlly far away

 

[BasilLeaves]

Fine. I’ll text you luck.

 

[simonsays]

looking 4ward 2 it

 

[BasilLeaves]

Maybe I’ll send a homing pigeon to give you luck in a letter just to annoy you.

 

[simonsays]

oh ok then

at least its luck from you

  
  


_ our families suck (for the most part) _

 

[BasilLeaves]

I will never function like a normal human person.

 

[NiallandHammer]

we know

did simon finally tell you

wait no

you would be screaming

or like

running over to his house

 

[BasilLeaves]

Wait…

Tell me what?

 

[NiallandHammer]

uh

nothing

what happened?

 

_ BasilLeaves sent a photo. _

 

[BasilLeaves]

I just-

I’m so in love with him.

Nothing good will ever happen.

I’m trapped in the endless tunnel of the anticipation of heartbreak.

 

[NiallandHammer]

holy shit thats kind of sad

please dont write any more angsty poetry

please

we had enough of that like a few years ago

 

[BasilLeaves]

I still write “angsty” poetry.

I just don’t show it to people.

 

[NiallandHammer]

stop being an emo teenager for one second

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

Baz

just

tell

him

already

 

[BasilLeaves]

That’s a terrible idea.

  
  
  


_ can those idiots get together already _

 

_ Devastatingdisaster sent a photo. _

 

[PenandPaper]

holy

fucking

shit

a ) baz wrote angsty love poetry??

b ) i cant take this anymore let’s plan something for these disasters

 

[NiallandHammer]

ooh like what

i nominate…

uh

um

idk

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

wait

i think i have it

niall do you remember the romeo and juliet fanfiction baz wrote

 

[NiallandHammer]

yeah ofc

 

[PenandPaper]

BAZ WRITES ROMEO AND JULIET FANFICTION?

 

[NiallandHammer]

yeah he was really into it for a while

he mostly wrote bencutio fics

i think he was living out his romantic fantasies in those fics

 

[PenandPaper]

that’s a mood

also benvolio and mercutio?

i can see that

okay

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

okay so

i was thinking

what date did he like the most in those fanfics

 

[NiallandHammer]

i think like

the one where

um

i dont remember

 

[PenandPaper]

okay, what was his username? i found the site hes most likely to post fics on

 

[NiallandHammer]

ViolinsAndShakespeare, i think

 

[PenandPaper]

okay found it

yup thats it

[PenandPaper]

wow baz sure is a slut for romantic gazebos and gardens

 

[NiallandHammer]

asdfghhjk

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

theres a sentence i never thought i’d see

but yeah

also confessing love under a weeping willow

 

[PenandPaper]

holy shit

wow

you guys are exposing him

 

[NiallandHammer]

let’s not talk about the darker part of his fics

because that exists

 

[PenandPaper]

wow okay

he writes so much angst

POETRY

HE HAS POETRY

I MEAN HE DISGUISES IT AS BENCUTIO BUT I MEAN

WOW

POETRY

 

[NiallandHammer]

oh yeah he writes a lot of poetry

 

[PenandPaper]

okay i read some of the poems

holy fucking shit they’re angsty

he’s like if angst was a human

 

[NiallandHammer]

JJSKSKKSJFIJSK TRUE

 

[PenandPaper]

okay so we have a gazebo

we have a park

sunsets still exist

how do we get them both there

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

easy

you tell simon to meet you there

niall and i tell baz to meet us there

 

[NiallandHammer]

your secret love for shitty teen romcoms is really showing, dev

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

jfjsjhsjjh SHUT UP

 

[PenandPaper]

you’re truly exposing everyone this afternoon

 

[NiallandHammer]

including myself

i have also watched those shitty teen romcoms

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

lets not forget that you watched them with me

 

[NiallandHammer]

whatever

 

[PenandPaper]

this is a whole different side to you guys and it’s amazing

 

[NiallandHammer]

yeah whatever

we’re still cool and uncaring

yeah

totally

 

[PenandPaper]

you guys were never cool

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

well that stings

 

[PenandPaper]

ask me if i care

 

[NiallandHammer]

do you care

 

[PenandPaper]

no.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

ok lets tell baz about the gazebo thing

  
  
  


_ our families suck (for the most part) _

 

[NiallandHammer]

hey baz meet us by the gazebo in the park at like 6:30

theres like

something we need to show you

[Devastatingdisaster]

theres a hedgehog

 

[BasilLeaves]

First of all, this seems weird.

Second of all, wouldn’t the hedgehog have left by then?

Third of all, why would you assume I want to see this hedgehog?

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

it’s a cute hedgehog

 

[BasilLeaves]

Sign me right up, then.

 

[NiallandHammer]

i can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or not

 

[BasilLeaves]

Maybe I like hedgehogs, ever think about that, Niall?

  
  


_ NiallandHammer > Devastatingdisaster _

[NiallandHammer]

what the hap is fuckening

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

idk i panicked

but hey it worked

 

[NiallandHammer]

that it did

i wonder if penny is having any difficulty getting simon to the gazebo…

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

yeah same here

  
  


_ PenandPaper > simonsays _

[PenandPaper]

hey so i need you at the gazebo at 6:30

 

[simonsays]

y

 

[PenandPaper]

just be there

 

[simonsays]

k

 

_ can those idiots get together already _

 

[PenandPaper]

it was super easy to get simon to go

 

[NiallandHammer]

it was… interesting with baz

we found out he likes hedgehogs

 

[PenandPaper]

let me just jot that down real quick

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

let’s hope they both show up

 

[PenandPaper]

me too

and if they don’t,

well,

we can always push them together and force them to kiss

 

[NiallandHammer]

theres that

  
  


**Later…**

 

_ our families suck (for the most part) _

 

[BasilLeaves]

Where are you?

Also where is the hedgehog?

Oh!

It’s near the tree.

 

[BasilLeaves]

Very cute hedgehog.

Thank you.

Also where are you?

  
  


_ simonsays > PenandPaper _

[simonsays]

im @ the gazebo

y arent u here

 

[simonsays]

WHY JIS BASJ HERHN

 

**Simon**

I didn’t know what I was expecting to find at the gazebo. But it certainly wasn’t a grinning Baz crouched by a tree looking at a hedgehog.

A  _ hedgehog _ . I didn’t even know Baz could smile. It’s beautiful. Like, Baz smiling is amazing. I could stare at him like this for hours.

“Uh… hi,” I say.

He quickly loses his grin. (Which disappointed me.) Then he stands up.

“Oh… Hello, Snow.”

“Why don’t you call me Simon?”

“I have.”

“Yes, but not that much,” I reply.

“Fine, then,  _ Simon _ .”

I smile. “It sounds nice in your voice.”

 

**Baz**

Does he want me to collapse on the spot?

 

**Simon**

“Say it again,” I say.

He pulls me closer, and I’m not sure what’s happening.

“ _ Simon _ ,” he whispers and…

And he kisses me.

In the sunset, with the final rays of sunlight touching us. With pink and yellow surrounding everything. With trees around us. I have my eyes closed, but I'm aware. So, so aware. And yet the world is fading away.  


With us touching each other.

I never want to leave.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YESSS SO THAT HAPPENED I'M EXCITED!! also actual writing! and everything! i loved writing this and i hope you loved reading it!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Baz have a much needed talk. Someone new is added into a group chat. Baz catches a cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY. IT'S FINALLY HERE. first of all, i would like to thank you guys for all the comments and kudos. second, i am so sorry for the wait. first i was dealing with writer's block and then when it went away, i wrote this long chapter. well, without further ado, here you go! enjoy!

_The next day_

 

_can those idiots get together already_

 

[PenandPaper]

simon hasnt texted in a while

maybe our plan worked

 

[NiallandHammer]

maybe

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

text him

maybe his phones out of battery

  


_our families suck_

 

[BasilLeaves]

Um…

Something has happened.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

tell us

 

[BasilLeaves]

I kissed Simon.

 

[NiallandHammer]

jkhjkhhjghj

how did he take it

 

[BasilLeaves]

Well, I think.

Kissing someone again is taking it well, right?

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

YES

FOR SURE

 

[NiallandHammer]

we’re happy for you

oh shit

does this mean poetry

 

[BasilLeaves]

Of course.

Do you want to read it?

 

[NiallandHammer]

NO

HELL NO

we’re sick of your fucking poetry

 

[BasilLeaves]

Oh.

Okay then.

 

[NiallandHammer]

send it to your boyfriend

 

[BasilLeaves]

We’re technically not dating.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

but didnt he kiss you again?

 

[BasilLeaves]

Yes.

But still, we’re not dating.

We haven’t really talked about it.

  


_simonsays > BasilLeaves _

[simonsays]

we should talk

  


_our families suck (for the most part)_

[BasilLeaves]

Excuse me, my cliff awaits my arrival.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

ok what happened now?

 

[BasilLeaves]

It’s preventative.

He wants to talk.

Probably to say something like “Oh yeah, sorry, but I don’t like you like that. Or at all.”

 

[NiallandHammer]

ok you’re jumping to conclusions

write some angsty poetry to get it out of your system

then reply

  


_BasilLeaves > simonsays _

[BasilLeaves]

Fine, let’s cut to the chase.

I know you don’t want this.

And you like someone else.

The guy with the pretty eyes.

 

[simonsays]

baz

 

[BasilLeaves]

It’s fine, I don’t care.

 

[simonsays]

baz

 

[BasilLeaves]

What is it?

 

[simonsays]

you’re the someone

you’re the guy with the pretty eyes

and i want this

i want it, but are you okay with it?

 

[BasilLeaves]

What’s “this”?

 

[simonsays]

this

you

me

a relationship?

 

[BasilLeaves]

Yes.

[simonsays]

wait

you do?

 

[BasilLeaves]

Of fucking course, Snow.

You think I kissed you and didn’t want this?

 

[simonsays]

and you thought that i kissed you back _and again_ and didnt like you back?

 

[BasilLeaves]

Fair point.

[simonsays]

baz

you should know im not very good at...this

i’m kinda terrible, honestly

 

[BasilLeaves]

At… relationships?

 

[simonsays]

yeah…

but i want this

do you?

 

[BasilLeaves]

I do.

Fuck

I want this so much.

[simonsays]

do you want me to be your boyfriend?

your terrible boyfriend?

 

[BasilLeaves]

I do. I want do this.

I want you to be my

My boyfriend.

  


_can those idiots get together already_

 

[NiallandHammer]

baz apparently kissed simon last evening

 

[PenandPaper]

finally

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

ooh evening how fancy of you

 

[NiallandHammer]

evening is an actual fucking word, dev

 

[PenandPaper]

yeah, _dev_

  


_our families suck (for the most part)_

[BasilLeaves]

There has been a development.

 

[NiallandHammer]

what happened now

 

[BasilLeaves]

I think I’m dating Simon Snow.

 

[NiallandHammer]

thats a pretty fucking big development

 

[BasilLeaves]

I am aware.

 

_simonsays > BasilLeaves _

 

[simonsays]

and i want you to be mine

 

[BasilLeaves]

So…

 

[simonsays]

wht?

 

[BasilLeaves]

How do we do this?

 

[simonsays]

wat do u mean?

 

[BasilLeaves]

I’ve never really done this before.

Anything like this.

What do we do…?

 

[simonsays]

not sure tbh

lets start by going on a date

where?

 

[BasilLeaves]

You know more about this than me.

 

[simonsays]

not rlly

agatha and i never really did anything

 

[BasilLeaves]

Casual or romantic?

 

[simonsays]

what?

 

[BasilLeaves]

Do you want a casual or romantic date?

 

[simonsays]

whatever you want

im not good at this

 

[BasilLeaves]

A combination?

 

[simonsays]

whatever u want

 

[BasilLeaves]

Alright.

I’ll let you know.

 

[simonsays]

u dont have 2

surprise me

 

[BasilLeaves]

Oh, alright.

  


_can those idiots get together already_

_NiallandHammer renamed the chat to “they’re disasters but at least they’re finally dating”_

 

[PenandPaper]

they are?

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

yeah

 

_NiallandHammer sent a photo._

 

[PenandPaper]

he “thinks”?

 

[NiallandHammer]

yeah

he’s not really giving us details

did simon text you yet?

 

[PenandPaper]

not yet

 

_simonsays > PenandPaper _

[simonsays]

penny

uh

i have news

 

[PenandPaper]

what happened

 

[simonsays]

baz and i are dating

also we kissed last night

we’re going on a date later!!

 

[PenandPaper]

where?

 

[simonsays]

have no idea

i told him to surprise me

  


_PenandPaper > BasilLeaves _

[PenandPaper]

where are you taking simon?

 

[BasilLeaves]

So he told you.

 

[PenandPaper]

yes

 

[BasilLeaves]

Honestly, I have no idea.

 

[PenandPaper]

well, he seemed excited

 

[BasilLeaves]

I hope he is.

 

[PenandPaper]

one more thing

 

[BasilLeaves]

Yes?

 

[PenandPaper]

don’t break his heart.

or i will find you.

and i will break every single bone in your body

 

[BasilLeaves]

Alright… Well, I would never break Simon’s heart. Ever.

I want you to know that.

 

[PenandPaper]

good.

  


_our families suck (for the most part)_

[BasilLeaves]

I’m going on a date apparently.

 

[NiallandHammer]

now??

 

[BasilLeaves]

Later.

 

[NiallandHammer]

where?

 

[BasilLeaves]

No idea.

He’s letting me pick.

 

[NiallandHammer]

does he know that all your date ideas will be from romeo and juliet bencutio fanfiction with romantic gardens?

 

[BasilLeaves]

Shut up.

It’s not only romantic gardens.

Sometimes they go to coffee shops.

A coffee shop! I know just the place.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

lets not forget all the fucking gazebos in the rain

 

[NiallandHammer]

oh yeah

im rereading your fanfiction

i still cant believe you write fucking romeo and juliet fanfiction and i’ve known it for years

 

[BasilLeaves]

Please don’t read my fanfiction.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

im also rereading it

 

[BasilLeaves]

I hate you both right now.

  


_BasilLeaves > simonsays _

[BasilLeaves]

I have a place in mind.

 

[simonsays]

shh dont tell me

 

[BasilLeaves]

What, you want me to blindfold you and drive you to the place?

 

[simonsays]

sure

sounds fun

 

[BasilLeaves]

. . .

Fine.

When?

 

[simonsays]

in half an hour

i need to finish up something

  


_our families suck (for the most part)_

 

[BasilLeaves]

Fuck fuck fuck

 

[NiallandHammer]

you didnt punctuate your sentence WHAT HAPPENED

 

[BasilLeaves]

I have no idea where to take Simon for our date.

I can’t decide between casual and romantic.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

you’re terrible with both casual and romantic

[BasilLeaves]

Why thank you.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

okay what are your plans

whats the casual and whats the romantic

 

[BasilLeaves]

Casual is his favorite cafe

Romantic is a picnic in the forest

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

uhhh

can there be a combination?

 

[BasilLeaves]

I suppose?

 

[NiallandHammer]

awesome choose that

 

[BasilLeaves]

Already getting ready.

  


_simonsays > BasilLeaves _

[simonsays]

wait do i have to dress fnacy

bc i dont have a lot of fancy clothes

 

[BasilLeaves]

Casual clothing is fine.

 

[simonsays]

ok thx

 

_Half an hour later_

[BasilLeaves]

I’m outside.

 

[simonsays]

k finishing up

  


_simonsays > PenandPaper _

[simonsays]

penny if i die i want scones at my funeral

 

[PenandPaper]

that can be arranged

 

[simonsays]

w8 do u mean my funeral or serving ghosts at my funeral

i mean scones

scones at my funeral

 

[PenandPaper]

both.

 

[simonsays]

ok not ominous at all

 

[PenandPaper]

also may i ask how you fucking typed ghosts instead of scones

 

[simonsays]

i have no idea

 

[PenandPaper]

we can also serve ghosts if you want

 

[simonsays]

uh no thx pen

i’ll stick with scones

 

[PenandPaper]

as fun as discussing your funeral menu is, what happened

 

[simonsays]

baz is taking me on a surprise date

not sure where

 

[PenandPaper]

is that not what surprise means

 

[simonsays]

i hope its nice

i hope theres food

i didnt eat that much today

 

[PenandPaper]

yes you did

 

[simonsays]

yes i did

but look

im still hungry

 

[PenandPaper]

that cannot be healthy

 

[simonsays]

didnt you stay up until 6 am last night while eating junk food

 

[PenandPaper]

i never said I was healthy, simon

we’re talking about you

 

[simonsays]

im perfectly healthy

i sport

 

[PenandPaper]

yes but you do not grammar

 

[simonsays]

how dare you

i grammar very good

you no know anything

 

[PenandPaper]

just go on your fucking date already

 

[simonsays]

oh SHIT yeah baz is outside

 

[PenandPaper]

you just went and forgot about your boyfriend

 

[simonsays]

shhh

 

_simonsays > BasilLeaves _

[simonsays]

finished

coming outside now

 

_PenandPaper > IllusionMocha _

[PenandPaper]

is timeskipping in real life a thing

 

[IllusionMocha]

no

i wish

 

[PenandPaper]

damn

simon’s finally going on a date with baz and he literally wont fucking shut up

 

[IllusionMocha]

okay penny what did you do

 

[PenandPaper]

nothingg

 

[IllusionMocha]

then how come they’re going on a date

do you expect me to believe that they managed to go on a date with no help from you

 

[PenandPaper]

fine

i may have

planned something

but dev and niall helped me so you cant blame me for everything

 

[IllusionMocha]

yes i can

[PenandPaper]

fine

also give me back my calculator

 

[IlusionMocha]

bossy as always :)

 

[PenandPaper]

how many times do i need to tell you that :) is super fucking passive aggressive

 

[IllusionMocha]

would you prefer ;)

xD

B)

 

[PenandPaper]

why micah

i love you but why

 

[IllusionMocha]

:)

 

[PenandPaper]

i’m adding you to the group chat with dev and niall

 

[IllusionMocha]

oh fun

 

[PenandPaper]

it is

they expose baz

 

[IllusionMocha]

what?

 

[PenandPaper]

baz writes romeo and juliet fanfiction

 

[IllusionMocha]

what the fuck

okay im not that surprised

 

[PenandPaper]

mostly with bencutio

he ships benvolio and mercutio

 

[IllusionMocha]

i mean who doesnt

  


_they’re disasters but at least they’re finally dating_

 

_PenandPaper added IllusionMocha to the chat._

 

[NiallandHammer]

oh is that micah?

 

[IllusionMocha]

yeah

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

hey

 

[IllusionMocha]

hi

so whats this i hear about you making plans to get simon and baz together

 

[PenandPaper]

 _one_ plan and it worked

 

[IllusionMocha]

you were plotting

 

[NiallandHammer]

yeah but not against them

for them

 

[PenandPaper]

oh how the tables have turned

we’re the ones plotting now, baz

 

[NiallandHammer]

jkjhsjkhfghsjka

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

wait it’s “how the tables have tabled”

not “how the tables have turned”

 

[IllusionMocha]

. . .

 

[NiallandHammer]

dev are you okay

[Devastatingdisaster]

never

only when i’m with you

 

[IllusionMocha]

aww cute <3

 

[PenandPaper]

okay fine whatever but dev this doesnt erase your absolute fucking stupidity with the english language

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

what do you mean i’m super smart

and the expression IS “how the tables have tabled”

 

[PenandPaper]

google it

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

oh

oh dear

now i know why my whole family looked at me like i was a complete idiot when i said that

[NiallandHammer]

you are a complete idiot

it’s cute

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

jkjhghjkjhghjkjhgfghjnIALL

 

[IllusionMocha]

anyway, i swear i wont get in the way of your plotting

it’s a good thing

maybe not done in the best way, but

 

[PenandPaper]

baz likes hedgehogs

 

[IllusionMocha]

okay forget everything i was saying about not doing it in the best way WHAT

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

yeah

we have proof

 

_Devastatingdisaster sent a photo._

 

[IllusionMocha]

he

he actually typed and sent that

i cant fucking believe it

 

[PenandPaper]

yeah

 

_Later_

 

_simonsays > PenandPaper _

[simonsays]

so i didnt die

 

[PenandPaper]

that’s good :)

 

[simonsays]

ok did micah steal your phone

 

[PenandPaper]

I had my hands full so i let him reply

i should have realized he would send an emoticon

 

[simonsays]

yeah

okay so

 

[PenandPaper]

how was your date?

 

[simonsays]

perfect

i mean…

not so perfect near the end

 

[PenandPaper]

what happened i already have my sword out

do i need to kill baz

 

[simonsays]

nononono

baz fell into the stream

[PenandPaper]

explain from the beginning, simon

 

[simonsays]

so first we went to my favourite cafe

you know, the one in the next town which is hard to walk to but an easy drive

i got sour cherry scones

then we walked along the riverbank in the little foresty place next to the cafe

it was perfect

then he fell in the stream

  


_our families suck (for the most part)_

 

[BasilLeaves]

I have returned.

 

[NiallandHammer]

how was your date?

let me guess, you almost died

 

[BasilLeaves]

Actually, yes.

I fell into a stream.

 

[NiallandHammer]

bAZ WHAT THE FUCK

 

[BasilLeaves]

I’m fine.

Snow did something and it caught me by surprise.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

what did he do now

 

[BasilLeaves]

He said “this is perfect.” Then he held my hand and kissed my cheek.

Then I fell into the stream, letting go of his hand.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

I DONT FUCKING BLAME YOU IF NIALL DID THAT TO ME I WOULD ALSO FALL INTO THE STREAM

 

[BasilLeaves]

Wait, what?

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

o shit kjhjklkgfghj

let me just delete that

 

_Devastatingdisaster deleted a message._

 

[NiallandHammer]

no dont worry i would love to do that to you

WAIT SHIT OH FUCK

 

_NiallandHammer deleted a message._

 

[BasilLeaves]

. . .

 

[NiallandHammer]

ANYWAY

baz

how

 

[BasilLeaves]

Don’t ask me.

  


_they’re disasters but at least they’re finally dating_

 

[PenandPaper]

guys

did you hear about how baz literally

fell

 

[NiallandHammer]

in a stream?

yeah

 

[IllusionMocha]

wow

context, please?

 

_PenandPaper sent a photo._

 

[IllusionMocha]

wow

 

_Devastatingdisaster sent a photo._

[IllusionMocha]

WOW

 

[PenandPaper]

stop saying wow

also what are all those deleted messages

 

[IllusionMocha]

i’m also curious

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

uhhh

nothing

 

[NiallandHammer]

none of your business

 

[PenandPaper]

you started digging now finish the hole

 

[IllusionMocha]

yeah!

wait what the fuck is that expression

 

[PenandPaper]

simon uses it so much

 

[NiallandHammer]

simon and dev should make a club for people that have no idea about the english language

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

i will not stand for this

 

[NiallandHammer]

of course not babe you’re sitting down next to me right now

 

[IllusionMocha]

oh penny i’ll return your calculator tomorrow

 

[PenandPaper]

good i fucking need it

 

_simonsays > BasilLeaves _

[simonsays]

are you okay?

are you cold?

 

[BasilLeaves]

I’m fine, Snow.

 

[simonsays]

when will you learn to call me simon

 

_our families suck (for the most part)_

 

[BasilLeaves]

I think I caught a cold.

 

[NiallandHammer]

are you okay??

do you need anything?

i can be over there in 10 with badly made chicken soup

 

[BasilLeaves]

How much you care about me is concerning.

But I’ll pass on the chicken soup. I don’t want a repeat of that time you tried to make brownies.

I mean, who forgets the sugar?

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

niall does

[NiallandHammer]

i can make a decent chicken soup though!

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

i can make better chicken soup

 

[NiallandHammer]

prove it

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

fine i’ll come over and we can have a competition

then we’ll bring the soup over to baz and he’ll be the judge

 

[BasilLeaves]

. . .

What is even happening?

I just caught a cold, I’m fine.

 

[NiallandHammer]

no you need soup

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

we’ll bring you soup

  


_simonsays > BasilLeaves _

[simonsays]

i can make some soup if you want

 

[BasilLeaves]

Why the fuck is everyone obsessed with soup today?

 

[simonsays]

uhh

because your sick???

 

[BasilLeaves]

You’re*

 

[simonsays]

if you werent sick i would be mor eannoying rn

but do u want soup yes or no

 

[BasilLeaves]

I don’t need soup and I don’t fucking want it, Snow.

 

[simonsays]

do you want me to come over?

 

[BasilLeaves]

It’s fine, Simon. I’m fine. It’s a simple cold.

 

[simonsays]

ok

get well soon

  


_our families suck (for the most part)_

 

[BasilLeaves]

Invite Simon over to your little soup making competition.

He is also eager to make soup.

 

[NiallandHammer]

aww how sweet

your boyfriend cares

 

[BasilLeaves]

Yes, and I appreciate that. But I don’t need soup. It’s a simple cold, I’ll get over it.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

will you miss school tomorrow?

 

[BasilLeaves]

Oh, fuck.

I have a test.

I’m going to have to miss it.

 

[NiallandHammer]

science?

 

[BasilLeaves]

Math.

 

[NiallandHammer]

oh

oh shit

we have a math test?

 

[BasilLeaves]

Yes, we’ve known for two weeks.

 

[NiallandHammer]

SHIT THAT’S TOMORROW?

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

i’ve already done it

it’s super easy

i’ll help you study tomorrow at lunch

 

[NiallandHammer]

THANK YOU SO MUCH

I LOVE YOU

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

love you too ;)

 

[NiallandHammer]

;)

 

[BasilLeaves]

Not again.

 

[NiallandHammer]

meet me in my bedroom tonight ;)

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

gladly ;)

 

[BasilLeaves]

. . .

 

_NiallandHammer > Devastatingdisaster _

[NiallandHammer]

you’ll help me study though, right?

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

of course

also it’s fun to annoy baz

 

[NiallandHammer]

yeah

but despite all our joking, i really do love you

  


_simonsays > BasilLeaves _

[simonsays]

will u be at scool tmorrow

 

[BasilLeaves]

Probably not.

 

[simonsays]

i can get the englssih notes 4 u

 

[BasilLeaves]

Your English notes? Because those are a fucking mess.

 

[simonsays]

like me lol

but not my english notes yeah

penny’s

dont worry i dont want you to fail english along with me

[BasilLeaves]

You’re not going to fail English.

 

[simonsays]

lol yeah no

im already failing

mr barry is the fucking worst

any other classes you want me to get notes for?

 

[BasilLeaves]

Yes, actually.

Ask Penelope for the science notes.

 

[simonsays]

ok darling

  


_our families suck (for the most part)_

 

[BasilLeaves]

I may have fallen out of my bed.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

isnt your bed rlly tall?

 

[BasilLeaves]

Yes.

 

[NiallandHammer]

are you okay??

let me guess simon texted you something

 

_BasilLeaves sent a photo._

 

[NiallandHammer]

HOLY SHIT

OKAY

 

[BasilLeaves]

Yes.

 

_simonsays > BasilLeaves _

[simonsays]

srry

was that bad

 

[BasilLeaves]

Not at all.

It caught me by surprise, but it’s fine.

More than fine, Simon.

 

[simonsays]

ok darling!

  


_our families suck (for the most part)_

 

[BasilLeaves]

The floor is my home now.

 

[NiallandHammer]

what, you want me to come over there and help you up?

 

[BasilLeaves]

Please.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

hghjklskjhdbgv ok thats how you know baz really need help

  1. he admits it
  2. he says please



 

[BasilLeaves]

Oh, FUCK.

 

[NiallandHammer]

ok what happened now

 

[BasilLeaves]

I hear Simon’s voice.

He came here.

He has fucking soup.

 

[BasilLeaves]

I’m on my bed again.

 

_Later_

[BasilLeaves]

He’s staying over apparently.

 

_The next day, morning_

 

_simonsays > BasilLeaves _

[simonsays]

i have to go to school, you’re asleep, so im just letting u know

 

_Later_

[simonsays]

OK OK

something HILARIOUS HAPPENED LAST CLASS

 

[BasilLeaves]

What?

 

[simonsays]

so you know like th guy thats like yeah

 

[BasilLeaves]

Please, be more vague.

 

[simonsays]

idk i forgot

it was funnier when it happened

 

[BasilLeaves]

… Okay.

 

[simonsays]

SHIT SHIT SHIT FUCK

 

[BasilLeaves]

Don’t text in class.

 

[simonsays]

ok its all good

she didnt take my phone

 

[BasilLeaves]

Just because I am able to text doesn’t mean you should text me.

 

[simonsays]

finee

  


_simonsays > PenandPaper _

[simonsays]

class is boringgg

i hate math

 

[PenandPaper]

sucks to suck i have a free period

also pay attention, simon

 

[simonsays]

luckkyyy

im stuck sitting with james and his friend who i cant remember the name of

 

[PenandPaper]

isn’t james the kid that hot glued paper all over the desks in art

 

[simonsays]

yeah

i sit next to him in math

math makes me want to do meth

like i usually like people but james is literally the most annoying person i’ve ever met

 

[PenandPaper]

arnold is worse

thats his friend

 

[simonsays]

oh shit yeah

 

[PenandPaper]

i sit next to arnold in like 3 classes

also pay attention and dont text in class

 

[simonsays]

finneeee

  


_After school_

 

_NiallandHammer > Devastatingdisaster _

[NiallandHammer]

thanks for helping me study

i think i did okay

a C+ at the least

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

i’m better at helping people study than that

B+

 

[NiallandHammer]

B-

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

B

 

[NiallandHammer]

E+

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

that isnt even an actual grade, niall

 

[NiallandHammer]

fight me

fine

we’ll find out on friday

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

i wonder how baz is doing

  


_our families suck (for the most part)_

 

[BasilLeaves]

I have never been more bored in my entire life.

 

[NiallandHammer]

oh yeah you cant be distracted by simon when you’re home sick can you

 

[BasilLeaves]

No, I’ve read all of my books that are near me at the moment and I can’t get up to get more.

There is nothing entertaining on my phone.

I am so

Incredibly.

Bored.

Falling into a stream is not something I would recommend.

 

[NiallandHammer]

oh yeah too bad

i would totally fall into a stream if you hadnt said that

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

oh yeah

it was on my to do list

along with binge reading all your fanfics (doing that rn)

 

[BasilLeaves]

I’m ill, I don’t deserve this.

 

[NiallandHammer]

you always deserve this

 

[BasilLeaves]

You have such courage to speak those words.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

whatever you do, you need courage. whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. there are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right.

 

[BasilLeaves]

Where did you get that from? inspirationalquotes.com?

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

no, why would you ask that

it was habitsforwellbeing.com

 

[BasilLeaves]

Oh, perfect then.

[NiallandHammer]

so baz, are you feeling better?

 

[BasilLeaves]

Yes, actually.

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

see soup helps

 

[BasilLeaves]

It was not the fucking soup.

 

[NiallandHammer]

how do you know?

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

yeah how do you know

 

[BasilLeaves]

Anyway, I think I’ll be able to go to school tomorrow.

I sent emails to all my teachers, asking them what I missed.

 

[NiallandHammer]

wow look at mr responsibility with his husband mr doesnt pay attention in class

 

[BasilLeaves]

He tries to.

If you want to make fun of Simon, make fun of him to his face or not at all.

 

[NiallandHammer]

i was making fun of you but okay

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

but great idea!

a group chat with everyone in

 

[BasilLeaves]

That’s a terrible idea.

 

[NiallandHammer]

making it rn

 

[BasilLeaves]

Oh no…

  


_NiallandHammer made a group chat._

_NiallandHammer renamed the chat to “this is a mistake”_

_NiallandHammer added BasilLeaves, simonsays, Devastatingdisaster, PenandPaper, and IllusionMocha._

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully the next chapter will be posted soon! please comment, i love reading them!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They have some fun in the new group chat. Dev talks to Niall about something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finallyyyyy please enjoy this long chapter (also theres some foreign language stuff in this so just google translate it because it's important) (some of it, anyway) (unless you want it to be a surprise)

[IllusionMocha]

wow :0

 

[BasilLeaves]

I told you it was a terrible idea.

 

[PenandPaper]

it is

i love it

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

is this the biggest group chat you’ve been in yes or no

 

[IllusionMocha]

yes

 

[BasilLeaves]

Yes.

 

[PenandPaper]

yeah

 

[NiallandHammer]

yeah

 

[simonsays]

no

 

[IllusionMocha]

we all have like 3 friends and then theres simon

 

[simonsays]

i like having friends and i dont have that many!

 

[PenandPaper]

too many

 

[BasilLeaves]

Way too many.

 

[simonsays]

aw that stings

 

[NiallandHammer]

he’s just saying that because he has like 2 friends and you, simon

 

[simonsays]

aww babe 

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

there’s a 99% chance baz just almost died

 

[BasilLeaves]

No, I didn’t.

I spilled my tea.

But no, I didn’t die.

 

[NiallandHammer]

thats a fucking miracle

 

[simonsays]

im proud of you!

 

[PenandPaper]

should we add agatha for extra chaos

we don’t have to if you aren’t comfortable, simon

 

[simonsays]

i dont think its such a good idea

srry

 

[PenandPaper]

that’s fine

i mean she’s hardly online anyway

  
  


_ PenandPaper > Wellbeloved _

[PenandPaper]

why are you never online?

 

[Wellbeloved]

I have a life, penny

i can’t spend all my time texting

 

[PenandPaper]

so you don’t mind about everyone not including you?

 

[Wellbeloved]

couldn’t care less

I only reply to you because you annoy me until the world ends if I don’t

 

[PenandPaper]

yeah i do

how else are we ever going to talk

see you tomorrow?

 

[Wellbeloved]

see you tomorrow

  
  


_ this is a mistake _

 

[simonsays]

i wanted 2 sya smthng but i cant remeberm whta

 

[IllusionMocha]

when that happens, I do something very helpful

 

[simonsays]

what???

 

[IllusionMocha]

I suffer

 

[simonsays]

oh mood

 

[Devastatingdisaster]

mood

 

[PenandPaper]

mood

 

[NiallandHammer]

big mood

 

[IllusionMocha]

yeah everything they say about gen z is true

we say mood way too much

 

[simonsays]

mood

 

[IllusionMocha]

exactly

 

[Deverage]

hey gays i changed my username

 

[IllusionMocha]

:0

also no one here is straight

i just realized that

 

[PenandPaper]

wait yeah

i’m bi, micah is also bi

 

[BasilLeaves]

I’m gay.

 

[Deverage]

pan over here

 

[NiallandHammer]

gay as well

 

[simonsays]

idk but not straight

 

[IllusionMocha]

its true, we do travel in packs

 

[PenandPaper]

it’s*

 

[BasilLeaves]

It’s*

 

[IllusionMocha]

i feel betrayed

 

[PenandPaper]

I*

 

[IllusionMocha]

oh wow

 

[NiallandHammer]

this group chat has more comedy than most tv shows

 

[simonsays]

4 sure

 

_ Deverage sent a link. _

 

[Deverage]

i found one of baz’s poems

i havent seen this one before

 

[NiallandHammer]

watch as baz runs away to a cave for the rest of his life

 

[PenandPaper]

that made me want to read it more

let’s all record ourselves reading it out loud and email the recording to baz

 

[Deverage]

thats so evil

i’m in

 

[NiallandHammer]

same here

 

[IllusionMocha]

sure why not

sounds fun

 

[BasilLeaves]

No, it does  _ not _ sound fun.

You’re just evil.

 

_ simonsays sent a photo. _

 

[Deverage]

asdfghjkjjkkhgcfg

 

[BasilLeaves]

Is…

Is that the “I should have gotten an A, you guys are just mean” meme but “This isn’t fun, you guys are just evil” and with the boy in the photo labelled “Baz”?

 

[simonsays]

yup

took me a while to make it

 

[PenandPaper]

i also made it

 

_ PenandPaper sent a photo. _

 

[BasilLeaves]

Penny’s is better.

[simonsays]

how dare you

that is heartbreaking

i loved you

 

[BasilLeaves]

Penny at least photoshopped my face on the boy in the photo.

 

[simonsays]

wow yeah holy shit

baz

thats a good picture

when did you take it

 

[BasilLeaves]

I don’t remember.

 

[simonsays]

well you look great in it

then again you look great all the time

well anyway

yea

penny’s way better at making memes

[NiallandHammer]

remember when dev first read the fault in our stars

 

[Deverage]

WE DO NOT MENTION TFIOS

 

[NiallandHammer]

why not

 

[Deverage]

uhh

reasons

remember when niall watched tfios with me

 

[NiallandHammer]

yeah

 

[simonsays]

w8 nev and diall are you 2 d8ing

 

[PenandPaper]

n e v  a n d d i a l l

 

[Nev]

hey i changed my username again

 

[Diall]

me too

 

[simonsays]

why must you make fun of my mistakes

 

[Diall]

because they’re hilarious

 

[IllusionMocha]

dev and niall? i only know nev and diall

 

[BasilLeaves]

Ah yes, Snow, my friends: Nev and Diall.

 

[simonsays]

anyway

back to my question

 

[Nev]

i have to go

homework

 

[Diall]

yeah same

 

[simonsays]

oh

 

_ Nev > PenandPaper _

[Nev]

uh

i need help

 

[PenandPaper]

and you’re coming to  _ me _ ? dont you have two whole friends?

 

[Nev]

i cant go to baz for help and i certainly cant go to niall

 

[PenandPaper]

okay what kind of problem is it

do i need to kill someone or

 

[Nev]

what no

not that kind of problem

 

[PenandPaper]

ok who do i need to bury

 

[Nev]

not that kind of problem either

 

[PenandPaper]

what, romance problems?

 

[Nev]

yes exactly

 

[PenandPaper]

cant help you there

 

[Nev]

why not dont you have a boyfriend

 

[PenandPaper]

just because i’m with micah doesnt mean i know how to give you romantic advice

 

[Nev]

well you’ll be better than baz the disaster gay or simon the oblivious disaster

 

[PenandPaper]

good point

what can i help with

 

[Nev]

i like niall and im not sure if he likes me back

i dont think he does

he might be flirting with me but im not sure

it might be as a joke

 

[PenandPaper]

dude

he definitely likes you back

and he’s definitely flirting with you

[Nev]

are you sure

 

[PenandPaper]

100% sure

if that information was all you needed, that isnt a big deal

i can help with this

 

[Nev]

how do i tell him

 

[PenandPaper]

i cant help you with that

 

[Nev]

oh

 

[PenandPaper]

my advice: fucking tell him

 

[Nev]

thats a terrible idea

 

[PenandPaper]

i feel like im talking to simon about baz again

 

[Nev]

still, we cant know that niall likes me back

 

[PenandPaper]

yes we fucking can

 

[Nev]

but what if he isnt flirting with me and just joking or being friendly or something

 

[PenandPaper]

he called you babe and constantly flirts with you

 

[Nev]

but what if he does it as as a joke

sometimes we flirt with each other to annoy baz

but like

exaggerated flirting

 

[PenandPaper]

he likes you back

what you choose to do with that information is your choice

 

[Nev]

well, thanks

  
  


_ this is a mistake _

 

[simonsays]

bza r u gioing 2 b @ shcool 2morrow

 

[BasilLeaves]

Texting you is like having a constant headache.

 

[simonsays]

u love me tho

 

[BasilLeaves]

I don’t love the headache.

 

_ Nev > Diall _

[Nev]

um

i need to tell you something

 

[Diall]

what is it?

 

[Nev]

wait uh

never mind

  
  


_ Diall > BasilLeaves _

[Diall]

i think someone took dev’s phone

 

[BasilLeaves]

What happened?

 

[Diall]

he’s acting weird

  
  


_ BasilLeaves > Nev _

[BasilLeaves]

Niall thinks someone took your phone.

 

[Nev]

SHIT THATS A GOOD EXCUSE TELL HIM THAT

TELL HIM LIKE

SEBASTIAN TOOK MY PHONE AND PLAYED A PRANK

 

[BasilLeaves]

Why would your little brother take your phone and play a prank?

 

[Nev]

I DONT KNOW BECAUSE HE WANTS TO PRANK ME

just say it

i’ll owe you one

  
  


_ BasilLeaves > Diall _

[BasilLeaves]

Sebastian took Dev’s phone and texted you, apparently.

 

[Diall]

oh

ok

thanks

  
  


_ this is a mistake _

 

[simonsays]

so baz are you going to be at school tomorrow

 

[BasilLeaves]

Probably.

Email me the notes.

 

[simonsays]

i already have

 

[BasilLeaves]

…Along with a lot of other things.

You know you could just text me pictures of dogs.

 

[simonsays]

i have

they wont send

 

[BasilLeaves]

Also, I prefer cats.

 

[simonsays]

check your emails again

 

[BasilLeaves]

Did…

Did you send me pictures of cats?

 

[simonsays]

yup!

 

[BasilLeaves]

You also sent me pictures of hedgehogs.

Thank you.

 

[simonsays]

hodgehegs!

 

[BasilLeaves]

They’re called hedgehogs, Snow.

 

[simonsays]

hodgehegs!

 

[BasilLeaves]

… Anyway…

I like the third cat picture you sent.

 

[simonsays]

!!! very cute!!!

love that cat!!

 

[PenandPaper]

send it to us coward

 

[BasilLeaves]

How dare thee.

 

[PenandPaper]

thou art a coward and a fool, Basilton

 

[IllusionMocha]

do you ever stare at a conversation and think “what the hap is fuckening”

 

[simonsays]

often

OH

i have a funny story

today in math there was this guy wrapping paper around his hand

then he couldnt get it off and the person sitting next to him said “thats quite a sticky situation”

then he managed to get it off

but guess what

he did it AGAIN

 

[IllusionMocha]

what the hap is fuckening

 

[BasilLeaves]

Every time you talk about the people in your math class, they all do stupid things except for one of them. Your math class is full of idiots, Snow. 

 

[simonsays]

including me lol

but yea

those guys are not rlly mature or anything

this is coming from me

[Diall]

FUCK

i just remembered i didnt do the english homework

 

[simonsays]

OH FUCK

WE HAD ENGLISH HOMEWORK?

 

[Diall]

yeah

 

[simonsays]

smtmes i want the teacher to just

 

[PenandPaper]

be pushed off a cliff

 

[simonsays]

penny NO

 

[PenandPaper]

. . .be pushed off a cliff. . .gently?

 

[BasilLeaves]

He really is the worst.

 

[Illusion]

teacher’s pet baz is actually complaining about a teacher??

 

[BasilLeaves]

I wish we had an actually fucking competent English teacher.

But no, we have Mr. Barry.

 

[Diall]

he sucks

literally the worst teacher ever

 

[simonsays]

i like how we all just hate mr barry

 

[BasilLeaves]

Does  _ anyone _ not hate him?

 

[Diall]

no way

if anyone doesnt hate him i’ll eat a whole bowl of porridge

(i hate porridge)

 

[PenandPaper]

because of a traumatic experience with three bears?

 

[Diall]

I DO NOT HAVE BLOND HAIR

 

[PenandPaper]

it’s gold blond, goldilocks

 

[Diall]

THIS IS WHY I WANT TO DYE IT

 

[BasilLeaves]

Because of… Goldilocks comments?

Literally no one has called you Goldilocks until now.

 

[Diall]

I STILL WANT TO DYE IT

 

[PenandPaper]

ok goldilocks

what colour?

 

[Diall]

i kinda want to dye it blue

 

[PenandPaper]

goldilocks never dyed her hair blue

 

[Diall]

fine, it’s gold blond

happy?

 

[PenandPaper]

also you would not look less terrible with blue hair

 

[Goldilocks]

i’m accepting it now

[PenandPaper]

good

 

[siofrelief]

i changed my username too

[PenandPaper]

thats terrible but in a funny way

 

[CoffeeGhost]

opera ghost who? i only know coffee ghost

 

[BasilLeaves]

As an update, I will be at school tomorrow.

 

[siofrelief]

okay graet

hey wheres dev

 

[Deverage]

im here

(and queer)

sebastian took my phone

wait whos goldilocks

 

[Goldilocks]

niall

i have accepted my stupid gold blond hair

 

[Deverage]

i like your gold blond hair

 

[Goldilocks]

...thanks

[bazthehedgehoggod]

hey its simon im at bazs house

i changed his username

 

[PenandPaper]

b a z t h e h e d g e h o g g o d

 

[Goldilocks]

thats amazing

and very fitting

but wheres baz

 

[siofrelief]

i think hes asleep

 

[Deverage]

yeah hes been rlly tired these days

i’m glad he’s finally restings

 

[Goldilocks]

i think school’s finally getting to him

 

[bazthehedgehog]

If you’re going to talk about me behind my back, don’t do it in a group chat I’m in.

And I’m fine.

I’m not tired.

 

[Goldilocks]

admitting you’re tired is okay

we’re all tired

it’s not a sign of weakness

life is hard, especially now, and being tired is normal

 

[bazthehedgehoggod]

I’m recovering from a cold, it’s normal to sleep.

 

[CoffeeGhost]

dont worry, baz

being tired is not a sign of weakness

i’m more tired than i’ve ever been

i feel dead

 

[siofrelief]

mood

 

[PenandPaper]

big mood

 

[Goldilocks]

mood

 

[Deverage]

mood

 

[bazthehedgehoggod]

I’m not tired.

 

[siofrelief]

baz you didnt change ur username bakc!

 

[bazthehedgehoggod]

Yes. I like hedgehogs and being their god does not sound terrible.

 

[Goldilocks]

change your profile picture to a hedgehog

 

[bazthehedghoggod]

On what?

 

[Goldilocks]

anything

 

[bazthehedghoggod]

Okay.

 

[siofrelief]

i still cant get over how you like hedgehogs

 

[CoffeeGhost]

none of us can

 

[BasilLeaves]

Well, I do.

They’re my second favourite animal.

 

[siofrelief]

whats your first favorite???

 

[BazTheHedgehogGod]

I am not going to tell you

 

[siofrelief]

aw you capitalized your username

 

[BazTheHedgehogGod]

Of course.

I’m not you, Snow.

 

[siofrelief]

wow okay

 

_ Later, in the middle of the night _

 

[siofrelief]

SHIT i have math hw

 

[PenandPaper]

go to bed, simon

 

[siofrelief]

math hw

 

[PenandPaper]

sleep and health

 

[siofrelief]

fineee

after i finish my math hw

 

[PenandPaper]

everyone else has gone to bed

 

[Goldilocks]

not really

dev and i are watching conspiracy theory videos over skype together

 

[Deverage]

we have no regard for our health

 

[PenandPaper]

you guys are useless

micah’s asleep

 

[CoffeeGhost]

no

sorry

i’m doing the history project

i procrastinated

 

[PenandPaper]

baz, please be asleep

 

[Goldilocks]

he probably is

 

[Deverage]

yeah

honestly i’m pretty sleepy

want to continue tomorrow?

 

[Goldilocks]

sure

see you tomorrow

i’ll bring coffee

 

[PenandPaper]

see? people are falling asleep

 

[CoffeeGhost]

not me

i have the history project

 

[PenandPaper]

you’re illusion mocha you dont exist

 

[CoffeeGhost]

love you too

 

[PenandPaper]

i do love you

i’m trying to prove a point to THE ONE THAT IS STAYING UP TO DO A MEANINGLESS MATH ASSIGNMENT THAT THE TEACHER WONT EVEN CHECK

 

[siofrelief]

penny im almost asleep pls stop

 

[PenandPaper]

good

i’m also almost asleep

 

_ The next day, second period _

 

[siofrelief]

class is boringgg

 

[Deverage]

i feel you

the teacher is talking about school supplies

[siofrelief]

??

 

[Deverage]

im in spanish class

i crave death

it’s so loud

everything is so loud

i want my headphones

the teacher’s voice is so annoying

 

[siofrelief]

oh yeah, kinda

im in english

with mr burglar

hes stealing our happiness and sanity one lesson at a time

 

[Deverage]

IM USING THAT

i asked to go to the bathroom

it’s still loud

why does everything have to be SO FUCKING LOUD

AND WHY IS TODAY THE DAY I FORGOT MY HEADPHONES IN MY LOCKER

 

[siofrelief]

i wish i could help…

ugh now hes talking about why its important to present in front of the class

its important to him bc he enjoys torturing us

 

[Goldilocks]

oh shit simon he saw you

 

_ Lunch _

 

[siofrelief]

ok its all good i hid my phone

dev r u ok?

 

[Deverage]

i have my headphones

i got new ones!!! they’re much better!

i’m okay now that i have my headphones

 

[Goldilocks]

that’s great!

where are you i want to see these new noise cancelling headphones

 

[Deverage]

i’m with the others

in the back field, under the huge tree

also these headphones are amazing

i can adjust how much noise i want it to block

 

[Goldilocks]

i’m so happy for you!!

 

[Deverage]

thanks!! come to the back field already

[Goldilocks]

be right there

  
  


_ After school _

 

[CoffeeGhost]

dev, i can help you with spanish if you want

 

[Deverage]

PLEASE

YOU’RE SO MUCH BETTER THAN SENORA PEREZ

 

[CoffeeGhost]

oh you have her? yeah she’s a nightmare

 

[Deverage]

when i’m in her class, yo quiero estar muerto

 

[CoffeeGhost]

skdfhjdskjdhfghj

“when i’m in her class” is “cuando yo estoy en la clase de ella”

 

[Deverage]

cuando yo estoy en la clase de ella, yo quiero estar muerto

see you’re already teaching me

 

[CoffeeGhost]

great

 

[Deverage]

quiero que me ayudes a estudiar

 

[siofrelief]

can u help me too micah

im going to fail spanish

 

[Goldilocks]

also me, if you can

 

[BasilLeaves]

Am I the only one that isn’t taking Spanish?

 

[siofrelief]

luckyyy

we’re stuck in hell

 

[CoffeeGhost]

i dont take spanish

i’m fluent

what language do you take?

 

[BazTheHedgehogGod]

German.

I’m already fluent in Latin, Greek, French, and obviously English.

 

[PenandPaper]

ancient greek or modern?

 

[BazTheHedgehogGod]

Modern, but I know a bit of ancient as well.

 

[siofrelief]

babe say something in greek!

 

[BazTheHedgehogGod]

Δεν θέλω.

 

[siofrelief]

what does that mean??

 

[BazTheHedgehogGod]

I don’t want to.

 

[siofrelief]

do it for me

pleasee

 

[BazTheHedgehogGod]

Σε αγαπώ.

 

[siofrelief]

what does that mean?

 

[BazTheHedgehogGod]

Please stop.

 

[siofrelief]

oh okay

srry

 

_ PenandPaper > BazTheHedgehogGod _

[PenandPaper]

google translate exists, you know

 

[BazTheHedgehogGod]

I am aware.

Do you think he’ll google translate it?

 

[PenandPaper]

you never know

  
  


_ this is a mistake _

 

[PenandPaper]

i’m taking french

it’s hell

 

[CoffeeGhost]

french as well

i can vouch for the hell part

 

[siofrelief]

hey baz what have you learned in german

 

[BazTheHedgehogGod]

Mein Name ist Baz.

Also how to die inside.

 

[Goldilocks]

you were already dead inside though

 

[BazTheHedgehogGod]

Good point.

Now enough about languages.

 

[siofrelief]

fair enough

new subject

uhh

if you could be any inanimate object what would you be

 

[CoffeeGhost]

a coffee cup

i have a reputation of being coffee to keep

 

[Deverage]

hjhgfhjks

i think i would be a…

a bed

eternal cuddles

 

[Goldilocks]

you can get that with me too babe

anyway

i think i would be… 

 

[PenandPaper]

a bowl of porridge

 

[Goldilocks]

HJKJHGSHJKDFGHSHUT UP PENNY

i would be a table

 

[PenandPaper]

a book over here

 

[siofrelief]

a journal or a diary or somthing

baz?

 

[BazTheHedgehogGod]

A violin.

 

[siofrelief]

let’s all change our usernames to our inanimate-objectsonas

 

[CoffeeCup]

fine but do you have to call them inanimate-objectsonas

 

[diary]

thats what they are

[Violin]

That’s*

 

[diary]

oh wow how dare you

 

[Violin]

Dear diary,

Today I annoyed you.

Sincerely,

  1. Basilton Grimm-Pitch



 

[diary]

dear baz,

you didnt actually annoy me

love,

simon

 

[bed]

baz probably almost died

 

[Goldilocks]

nope but he’s blushing like crazy

 

[Violin]

Shut up, Niall. I am not blushing. I do not blush.

 

_ table sent a photo _

 

[book]

BAZ IS BLUSHING OH MY FUCKING GOD

 

[diary]

babe thats such a nice picture of you

post it

plz

 

[Violin]

No.

Shut up, all of you.

 

_ diary > Violin _

[diary]

it really is a nice picture of you baz

and come on

 

[Violin]

Take a look at my posts, Simon.

Do you see many pictures of myself?

 

[diary]

no...but STILL

it’s a nice picture

 

[Violin]

I’m not posting it.

Keep it if you like it so much.

Make it your phone background or whatever coupley shit people do.

 

[diary]

okay i will!

 

[Violin]

Wait, what?

 

[diary]

were a couple, right?

and i want to do the coupley shit

it’s fun and nice and this is a nice picture of you

 

[Violin]

. . .

 

_ diary sent a photo. _

 

[diary]

see now you can have me as your phone background as well

 

[Violin]

Fine.

Okay.

I did it.

 

[diary]

!!!

 

[Violin]

But not with that picture of you.

 

[diary]

which 1???

 

_ Violin sent a photo. _

 

[diary]

i dont think ive seen that one before

where was it?

 

[Violin]

Last year. We all took a walk on that bridge. It was during the sunset, and you were looking at it.

 

[diary]

and you took a picture??

 

[Violin]

Yes.

 

[diary]

!!!

its a great picture!!!

[Violin]

Yes. Yes, it is.

[diary]

youre really romantic you know

 

[Violin]

I suppose.

Whatever.

 

[diary]

you are!!

its nice

the photo is also nice

make it ur phone background

pls

its rlly awesome

 

[Violin]

Fine.

I’ll do the coupley thing.

 

[diary]

yayy!!

  
  


_ Later _

 

[diary]

hey have you noticed how baz’s initials are TBGP

teebeegeepee

 

[book]

that gives me the teebeegeepees

 

[bed]

GHJUKILOGHYFTYTHE TEEBEEGEEPEES OH MY FUKC

 

[table]

okay enough with the inanimate object stuff

baz

you have to change your username to theteebeegeepees

 

[TheTeeBeeGeePees]

Satisfied?

 

[table]

OH MY GOD YES

 

[book]

this is so much better than any comedy show i’ve ever seen

 

[diary]

same

also username idea 4 baz: bazbitch

 

[TheTeeBeeGeePees]

No, no more username ideas.

I get it, you can make many usernames from my name.

 

[table]

the teebeegeepees sound like some sort of weird kids’ show

like you know

that one

i dont remember the name of it

they were creepy

there was a sun

the sun was also creepy

 

[bed]

the teletubbies?

 

[table]

THATS THE BITCH

i feel like the teebeegeepees are 4 kids/creatures

theres Teeshirt

Beemovie

Gee

and the unlucky one

Peter

or Pee for short

together they’re the teebeegeepees

 

[diary]

*theme song plays*

(also what the fuck are those names)

 

[table]

(dont ask me)

 

[book]

we’re all on drugs

 

[table]

yeah probably

 

_ Soon _

 

[book]

i wrote the theme song

_ book sent a video _

 

[book]

my singing sucks but here you go

micah you sing it

 

[CoffeeCup]

ok sure

 

[diary]

penny this is some 10/10 theme song making

could do without the swearing

its 4 kids, remember?

 

[book]

people who write kids’ show theme songs are cowards

i am not a coward

let peter say fuck

 

[bed]

we’re definitely high

 

[book]

maybe so

but no one has any proof

none of us actually do drugs

 

[diary]

you know, zip lining seems fun

i should go again

i like being high

 

[book]

being high

 

[diary]

SHIT I MEAN

 

[book]

we know what you meant

but arent you afraid of heights because you had that dream you had where you were rapunzel

 

[diary]

FIRST OF ALL, i was not rapunzel

i was stuck in a tower tho

some dude named davy locked me in

 

[table]

davy…

davy the principal??

davy richard richards?

davy dicks?

 

[diary]

I KNEW HE WAS FAMILIAR

but on another note

who named their kid richard richards

even if the kid has a first name

 

[bed]

he was always destined to be a dick

 

[book]

remember when you liked him?

 

[diary]

o yeah

he actually is a bit of a dick

 

[table]

anyway back to your dream

tell us what happened next

 

[diary]

uhh nothing

 

[book]

say it coward

 

[diary]

baz was the prince

 

[table]

I CAUGHT BAZ’S REACTION ON VIDEO

 

_ table sent a video. _

 

[book]

never has baz blushed so much

never has a person blushed so much

 

[TheTeeBeeGeePees]

Shut up.

 

[book]

ok look you arent intimidating with “theteebeegeepees” as your username

i cant take you seriously

 

[SeriousMusician]

Shut up.

 

[diary]

baz if you were a disney princess which 1 would u be

 

[SeriousMusician]

Mulan.

 

[diary]

what about the rest of you guys

 

[book]

call us gays or perish simon

no sour cherry scones at your funeral

no funeral

we grieve like men

also jasmine

 

[table]

cinderella

 

[bed]

aurora for me

 

[diary]

niall ur goldilocks

 

[table]

you asked me for me as a disney princess, not me as a fairy tale character

fairy tale character, yes i’m goldilocks

 

[bed]

baz is humpty dumpty

 

[SeriousMusician]

Elaborate.

 

[bed]

he fell

in love with simon

 

[diary]

jhgfghjskxhgdfgh

 

[book]

we’re full of sonas today

inanimate objectsona, disney princesssona, fairytalesona, nurserrhymesona

what’s next, fursona?

 

[CoffeeCup]

opinion: furries are good people

a furry made mickey mouse and he became popular

 

[table]

MICAH WHAT THE FUCK

 

[SeriousMusician]

. . .

 

[CoffeeCup]

also i finished singing the theme song

_ CoffeeCup sent a video. _

 

[CoffeeCup]

i did this instead of the journal entry for english

 

[diary]

o yeah we have to do that

whatever

on ethical dilemmas right??

 

[CoffeeCup]

yeah

 

[diary]

he was droning on and on about them

honestly that class is a fucking ethical dilemma

“if i kill mr barry, i will be sent to prison but i wont be tortured by him. if i dont kill him, i will be tortured to death by him. what do i do?”

 

[CoffeeCup]

I WISH I COULD USE THAT IN MY JOURNAL ENTRY

 

[book]

mr barry likes journal entries so much he should just marry them

 

[bed]

wait is he married

 

[book]

who would love him

 

[table]

absolutely no one

 

[diary]

he always get into debates w baz and he always says baz is wrong but then baz gives him full on essays the next day explaining

and he always wins the debate

[SeriousMusician]

Mr. Barry is an incompetent idiot.

 

[book]

what are some teachers you like?

 

[SeriousMusician]

The history teacher last year.

 

[book]

oh wow

but yeah

our teachers all suck this year

except the art teacher

 

[diary]

yeah ms eve is nice

 

[table]

ok though

every teacher likes baz

even mr barry

because he always does the homework and has really good and in depth analyses

oh yeah mr barry should also marry analyses

he doesnt even tell us how to properly analyse

 

[SeriousMusicians]

Teachers usually like me.

 

[bed]

teachers usually like me too but not this year because i’ve stopped doing so much homework

it’s so stressful and awful and i cant be bothered to do anything

so yeah…

also i dont participate in class because yeah

so teachers really dont have any reason to like me

no one really has any reasons to like me

 

[table]

dev

dev

there are countless reasons to like you

and we like you for all of them

i love you for every part of you

and i’ll help you in any way i can

you dont have to be liked by teachers

it’s not important

they’re not important

whats important is that you’re a very likable person

i love you

 

[bed]

i love you too

thank you

i love you too

anyway

sorry

back to what we were saying

 

[diary]

strict teachers dont like me

probly bc im not sure whats going on in the class until i review it later

 

[table]

hey do you ever realize what a huge disappointment you are to your family?

 

[SeriousMusician]

Often.

 

[table]

yeah

 

[book]

dont you guys have shitty families

 

[bed]

mostly, yeah

 

[book]

oh my

 

[table]

we’re like a trio of disappointments

 

[CoffeeCup]

oh wow

i’m sorry

 

[bed]

it doesnt help im basically a coward

i cant really do anything

 

[table]

you can do so much

 

[bed]

i’m not adventurous

at all

everyone else wants to do this exciting stuff like skydiving and i’m just here thinking “all i want to do in life is survive one more day”

i’ve never even gone zip lining

i almost went once but i was terrified before i even got hooked onto the thing

[table]

that’s okay

you dont have to do anything you’re terrified by

people shouldnt put so much pressure

skydiving seems terrifying

surviving one more day is an accomplishment

you’re strong, dev

you’re strong

you’ve survived this long

and you’re not a disappointment to baz, if you’re looking for encouragement from family.

but dev,

you could never, ever, ever be a disappointment to me

you’re wonderful and amazing and deserve to be surrounded by people who know that

 

[bed]

thanks… 

i love you

 

[table]

i love you too

  
  


_ bed > book _

[bed]

help me please?

 

[book]

no

go confess your romantic feelings or whatever

i promise you, it will go fine

 

_ bed > table _

[bed]

hey, niall?

 

[table]

yeah?

 

[bed]

i should probably tell you face to face

 

[table]

no no it’s fine tell me now

 

[bed]

i

i um

i like you

a lot

romantically

yeah

i’ll just um

yeah

 

[table]

wait what i thought we were dating

 

[bed]

wait WHAT

 

[table]

i called you babe??? like all the time??

[bed]

I THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE

 

[table]

how-

okay whatever

so are we actually dating now or…

 

[bed]

i guess so, yeah

i want to

 

[table]

i thought we were already in a relationship so obviously i want to

 

[bed]

so we’re dating now

we’re boyfriends

 

[table]

we are

 

[bed]

this was fairly simple

thats good

 

[table]

okay we are disasters

dare i say even bigger disasters than simon and baz?

 

[bed]

probably, yeah

i mean this didnt happen to them, did it?

 

[table]

yeah but baz almost died like 5 times

 

[bed]

good point

well, we’re up there

 

[table]

so do we like awkwardly announce that we’re dating?

 

[bed]

sure, if you’re okay with it

 

[table]

of course i am

  
  


_ this is a mistake _

 

[table]

so dev and i are dating now

 

[diary]

u werent d8ing b4???

 

[table]

i thought we were but we werent

 

[book]

holy SHIT THIS IS SOME FANFICTION SHIT RIGHT HERE

 

[bed]

i know right

anyway

we’re dating now

officially

 

[diary]

thats gr8!!

 

[CoffeeCup]

i thought you guys were already dating but ok awesome

 

[SeriousMusician]

I am impressed with how big disasters we are.

 

[table]

yeah

we really are a bunch of disasters

 

[book]

everyone in this group chat is in a relationship with someone else from this gc

 

[diary]

oh yea

cool

 

[CoffeeCup]

guys i have to get to bed, see you all tomorrow

 

[diary]

good night!

 

_ table > bed _

[table]

hey babe do you want to watch conspiracy theory videos

 

[bed]

sure

sure, darling

wait is that uh

weird or something

i dont know how this works

 

[table]

neither do i so lets wing it

 

[bed]

remember all the other times you said that?

 

[table]

i did not fail all the tests

just most of them

and this, you, all of this is nothing like a test

 

[bed]

what do you mean

i’m boring and no one can be bothered to look at me

 

[table]

i would look at you for all of eternity

and you are not boring

you are the exact opposite of a test

you are amazing and fun to be with and overall one of the best people i’ve met

i love you and i love watching shitty teen romcoms and conspiracy theory videos with you

 

[bed]

thanks

all of those things apply to you too, you know

including the i love you

i love you too

… is this going too fast?

 

[table]

no we’re going fine

i think

i thought we were in a relationship all this time so it’s going fine

we’re going at your speed

 

[bed]

okay well

i love you

 

[table]

so, conspiracy theory videos over skype?

 

[bed]

sure, darling

  
  


_ In the middle of the night _

 

_ this is a mistake _

 

[diary]

jesus is a sausage

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that ended on a good note and a cliffhanger. what will be simon's reasoning? also chapter 5 has been completed but i haven't typed any of it up so it might not be posted for a while. i also have another fic to write, so yeah...anyway, i hope you enjoyed! please, tell me your favorite parts and what you liked! i live for your comments!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More group chat chaos happens. Little siblings are an eternal pain for Penny, Micah, Baz, and Dev. Dev opens up about things and also comes up with an idea. Niall babysits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your positive comments on the last chapter! I always love reading them! i would also like to thank every single one of my friends for giving me ideas. this chapter is incredibly long and i'm really happy i finished typing it up so soon. 
> 
> also, if any of you like the catcher in the rye, i'm so sorry but it will be insulted in this chapter

 

 

_Morning_

 

[book]

elaborate

 

[diary]

jesus backwards is susej

say it out loud

 

[CoffeeCup]

oh my fucking god

 

[diary]

see?

jesus the hidden sausage

 

[bed]

i dont need this right now

it’s too early and im too sleep deprived

i slept really late last night

 

[table]

we watched a lot of conspiracy theory videos over skype

although…

we stopped watching them after a while

i was more interested in the little face on the screen

 

[bed]

sdhfghkdjsldfhjnIALL

 

[book]

yourself?

 

[table]

no i mean DEV

 

[book]

good because if you were interested in yourself i would pity you

 

[bed]

dont listen to her

you are very handsome

 

[table]

aw thanks

you are too, you know

very handsome

i love you

 

[bed]

i love you too

so much

 

[table]

so much

 

[book]

ok we get it

i have to get to school, see you soon

 

_Later, during class_

 

[diary]

guysguys

gays

SOME GUY IN MY HISTORY CLASS THOUGHT ADULTERY MEANT ADULTHOOD

 

[SeriousMusician]

Oh my.

 

[table]

oh dear

also is baz texting in class

woah

*cue everyone gasping*

 

[SeriousMusician]

I have a free period.

 

[book]

yeah same because we’re in the same class

 

[bed]

wait what does adultery mean if it doesnt mean adulthood

 

[table]

uhh…

babe, um…

google it

 

[bed]

OH

OH SHIT

NOW I FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT

I ONCE ASKED A COUSIN OF MINE HOW ADULTERY IS TREATING HER

 

[SeriousMusician]

A cousin...  

Lillian?

 

[bed]

yeah

she just kind

stared at me and left

no wonder she never texts me anymore

 

[table]

wait is this the same lillian i met that one time

 

[SeriousMusician]

Yes, it’s Lilly.

 

[diary]

w8 whos lillian

 

[bed]

a cousin of ours

shes a bit older than us

she’s in college now

we were fairly friendly

more friendly than we are with any of our other cousins

theres a reason the group chat that niall, baz, and i have is called “our families suck (for the most part)”

 

[diary]

OH SHUR

 

[bed]

i’m just going to assume you meant to say “oh shit”

and that you got caught texting in class

 

[diary]

everytingds giod

gtg tho

 

[table]

did

did you get caught

 

[diary]

allmosy

 

[table]

almost?

 

[diary]

y

 

[table]

yes?

 

[diary]

ya

gtg

 

[table]

science is hell

i wish i was in your class that has a free block

 

[book]

we dont do anything it sucks

the teacher is terrible

 

[SeriousMusician]

And none of the students take the class seriously.

 

[table]

that sounds fun

 

[book]

it isnt

i promise you

it isn’t

we don’t learn anything

 

[table]

still sounds better than science class

you guys are nerds

 

[SeriousMusician]

Maybe so.

If “nerds” means we enjoy learning

 

[table]

thats basically what it means baz

thats like the exact definition

 

[book]

if you group me together with baz in the nerd category i will find you and steal your skin

 

[table]

penny you arent but baz sure is

 

[SeriousMusician]

How dare thee

 

[table]

your username is “seriousmusician”

it doesnt get much nerdier than that

 

[Nerd]

Yes, it does.

 

[table]

asdfghjkjsdfgh

also gtg

 

_After school_

 

[diary]

guys

guys

i had spanish just now

 

[CoffeeCup]

what happened? did the teacher murder a kid? that wouldnt surprise me

 

[book]

not that i know of

but she told simon to spit out his gum

was he chewing gum?

no

 

[diary]

she didnt believe me

it was like this huge deal

we wasted so much time

also i forgot the homework

she made a huge deal out of that too

honestly is it too late to switch to german

 

[SeriousMusician]

Probably, and anyway, German class is a nightmare.

Everyone hates me in the class.

 

[diary]

i mean

i dont think _everyone_ hates you

 

[SeriousMusician]

People usually dislike me, there’s nothing new there.

I’ve gotten used to it.

 

[diary]

up to the point where you’re mean to people on purpose  because you know they’ll dislike you anyway

 

[SeriousMusician]

Yes.

 

[table]

that’s fucking stupid

 

[diary]

i agree

 

[SeriousMusician]

Well, they will dislike me either way so no loss.

 

[diary]

wouldnt you prefer to be liked by people?

 

[SeriousMusician]

Up to the point where I have as many as friends as you do?

No.

 

[diary]

what about just

not being disliked by all your german class

 

[SeriousMusician]

Better, I suppose.

 

[table]

anyway, he’s exaggerating

less people dislike him

 

[SeriousMusician]

Falsehood.

 

[table]

we dont dislike you

 

[SeriousMusician]

Wonderful, five people don’t dislike me.

 

[book]

stop being dramatic

people dont hate you

some people dislike you

lots of people dislike you

but hey like every boy in our grade is afraid of me

 

[table]

with good reason

 

[book]

but my point is

even if people hate you

we dont hate you

 

[bed]

definitely

 

_A little later_

 

[bed]

i cant wait for friday

 

[SeriousMusician]

I have a history test on Friday.

 

[book]

yeah same we’re studying together

 

[diary]

the history test is rlly hard

study well

 

[book]

we are

i cant believe we have a test and a project

 

[diary]

oh FUCK

we have the project

whatever ill just fail

 

[SeriousMusician]

I can help you.

 

[diary]

no no its fine

ill do it

 

[table]

uh guys

i’m locked out of my house

there’s no one at home

i forgot my keys

 

[book]

kick the door down coward

 

[table]

?? thats a terrible??? idea??

 

[book]

what do you mean it’s a great idea kick the door down

 

[table]

yes?? it is??

 

[book]

fine.

wait for your parents to come home

 

[table]

my dad

my mother is off somewhere hopefully not abandoning another kid

 

[CoffeeCup]

oh…

 

[table]

yeah whatever it’s fine

well

guess i’m texting my dad that i’ll be at dev’s, studying

i can come home when he does

and pretend i never forgot my keys

 

[table]

uh

i have news

 

[bed]

what happened?

 

[table]

i broke into my own house

 

[CoffeeCup]

what?!

 

[table]

i climbed through a window

i may have broken a bone, but it is not likely

 

[bed]

you sure?

 

[table]

yes

completely sure

 

[bed]

good

be safe

 

[table]

i am safe

are you?

 

[bed]

yes, but this isnt the matter at hand right now

you’re the one that climbed through a window

 

[table]

just because i climbed through a window doesnt mean i dont care about your safety

 

[bed]

im the one supposed to be worrying

 

[table]

well dont worry i’ve done this before

 

[bed]

wait WHAT WHEN WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME

 

[table]

you would have worried too much

 

[bed]

what did you want me to do? not worry?

 

[table]

you’re right

i’m sorry

i should have told you

 

[bed]

you should have

dont get into any other dangerous situations if you dont have to

and if you have to, tell me

 

[table]

i will

i promise

sorry

i love you

 

[bed]

i love you too

 

_Later_

 

[bed]

do you ever realize baz spent like 7 years being a pinecone

 

[SeriousMusician]

Something tells me I don’t want to know the reasoning behind this.

 

[book]

and something tells me that this will be entertaining

tell us

 

[bed]

being a pinecone

pine

pining

 

[table]

sdsdfgsdfghjfdk

 

[book]

i dont know what i expected

 

[SeriousMusician]

. . .

 

[diary]

pining for who??

 

[book]

(for whom)

 

[SeriousMusician]

Penny is correct, and you are most likely the most oblivious person I have ever met.

For you.

Pining for you.

 

[diary]

oh

OH

 

[table]

(he pined for you so much he literally has a poem called “pining for you”)

 

[SeriousMusician]

Okay, everyone shut up now.

 

[bed]

my point remains

baz is a pinecone

 

[CoffeeCup]

i’m at the library with penny

some guys stole our spot so i’m hiding in a corner behind some bookshelves because if i know my lovely girlfriend she’ll make a huge deal out of it

i love her so much

i’m terrified of her sometimes

but i love her so much

holy shit

okay so at this bookshelf there are three shelves

the bottom one is about drugs

the next is about death

the third is about war

 

[bed]

how pleasant

 

‘[CoffeeCup]

ikr

im reading a book on marijuana now

honestly it is not that interesting

0/10 do not recommend

 

[diary]

w8 arent u at ur usual spot now since penny got the guys to leave

 

[CoffeeCup]

i think i discovered a secret spot no one has ever seen

narnia but in a library

narary

penny still hasnt found me

i think i’m lost

 

[diary]

have you even gotten up

 

[CoffeeCup]

...no

visually lost

 

[diary]

wonderful

hows narary

 

[CoffeeCup]

excellent

theres no lamppost

but there is a tiny lamp

and a beanbag

and books on drugs, death, and war

truly a book nook

 

[book]

micah stop texting get out of your depressing little book nook and come over here

[CoffeeCup]

my book nook isnt depressing

it has a tiny cloud lamp and a beanbag

 

[book]

i was more referring to the books on drugs, death, and war

 

[CoffeeCup]

even narnia had its flaws

 

[book]

okay whatever just come over here

 

[CoffeeCup]

find me, my love

i have no fucking idea where i am

 

[book]

get a fucking idea where you are because i am glaring at the guys so they dont come near me

they thought i was weak because i’m short

they won’t have bones or skin when i’m done with them

 

[diary]

penny no

 

[CoffeeCup]

penny no one thinks you’re weak if they talk to you for more five minutes

there’s a reason all the boys in our grade are afraid of you

and i love you so much for everything about you

 

[book]

i love you too

but i’m still not getting up and finding your weird as fuck book nook

 

[CoffeeCup]

fine

i’m leaving narary

but i hope you know you’ll be making me abandon everything i loved

 

[book]

honestly micah you’re more of a drama queen than baz

[CoffeeCup]

i’m doing the impossible

 

[SeriousMusician]

No need to bring me into this. I’m not that dramatic.

 

[book]

baz you literally said “to be or not to be” when you dropped your pen

 

[SeriousMusician]

Maybe so.

 

[book]

narary is a dumb name anyway

 

[CoffeeCup]

ikr i love it

i have left a trail of not breadcrumbs so i can find my way back

 

[diary]

calm down there hansel

 

[CoffeeCup]

no

 

[book]

wait are you actually lost

 

[CoffeeCup]

yes

wait no

sorry

i found you

 

_The middle of the night_

 

[bed]

what colour are mirrors

 

[bed]

are birds real

 

[bed]

is the meaning of life death?

 

_Later, still the middle of the night_

 

[bed]

im a failure and im never going to be enough

 

[bed]

am i alone in the world

 

_Morning_

 

[bed]

what the fuck happened last night

i swear i’m fine

i’m not even sure what i was thinking

 

[table]

you sure you’re fine?

 

[bed]

yup

 

[table]

good because it’s friday and we dont have school

 

[bed]

wait WHAT

 

[table]

look outside

 

[bed]

holy SHIT thats a lot of rain

 

[table]

ikr it’s so awesome

 

[book]

we’re all going to baz’s house because he has a huge house and yeah hanging out is a thing that exists idk

will you come or nah

 

[bed]

hell yes

 

[bed]

getting some tea first though

anyone want anything

 

[book]

people to have common sense

 

[SeriousMusician]

My will to live.

 

[table]

a mother that didnt leave me

 

[diary]

a sour cherry scone

 

[bed]

yeah i dont have enough money for any of those

i’ll be there in 10 minutes

 

[table]

dont hurry

 

[CoffeeCup]

save yourself

 

[bed]

whats happening

 

[diary]

penny and baz are having a discussion on this book

 

[bed]

oh dear

whats the book

 

[diary]

the catcher in the rye

 

[bed]

i said my oh dear too soon

 

[table]

oh dear is correct

it’s basically just heated complaining

 

_table sent a video._

 

[bed]

holy shit

thats louder than i was expecting

 

[CoffeeCup]

it’s catcher in the rye what are you expecting

 

[bed]

well at least they’re agreeing that it’s terrible

 

[CoffeeCup]

very true, it could be much worse

they could be disagreeing

then all hell would break loose

 

[diary]

i’ve never read the catcher in the rye

penny hates it

she keeps saying holden caulfield is a whiny little hypocritical baby

 

[table]

...that’s not inaccurate

 

[bed]

thats basically what baz thinks too

i’ve never read it

 

[table]

i have

honestly it _should_ appeal to me

it doesnt

it really fucking doesnt

i hate the main character so much

 

[diary]

i kinda want to read it now just to see how unlikable he is

 

[table]

no

dont

save yourself from holden “everyone’s a phony” caulfield

 

[bed]

i’m outside

inside now

daphne let me in

 

[CoffeeCup]

we’re in the kitchen

well, not all of us

penny and baz are in the library, searching for the catcher in the rye so they can get evidence from the text

[table]

we’re eating breakfast

well

simon’s eating breakfast

it’s not even breakfast

hes just eating

 

_Later_

 

[book]

if you arent people the church wanted dead 500 years ago then what are you doing

 

[SeriousMusician]

We’re people the Church wants dead now.

 

[book]

good point

 

[diary]

what did you name your stuffed animal as a kid

 

[book]

jade

she was a turtle

 

[table]

bear

it was a sheep

i thought i was being funny

 

[diary]

you were being funny

 

[bed]

i had a bear

i named it cupboard

i have no idea why

 

[SeriousMusician]

Constantine Leopold the First.

A stuffed hedgehog.

 

[diary]

!!!

is that why you like hedgehogs?

 

[SeriousMusician]

One of the reasons.

 

[CoffeeCup]

i had a panda bear named rosa

 

[diary]

so we have jade the turtle, bear the parrot, cupboard the bear, constantine leopold the first the hedgehog, and rosa the panda

i had a collection of colorful little cupcakes

one of them was named blue and it had blue frosting

the pink one was named berry

the green one was named leaf

etcetera

i had the whole collection

 

[book]

you still do

 

[diary]

i still do

baz what are some other reasons you like hedgehogs

 

[SeriousMusician]

My mother liked them.

She’s the one who bought me Constantine.

 

[diary]

oh..

 

[SeriousMusician]

Also, they are very cute.

 

[diary]

!! they are!!

 

[CoffeeCup]

can someone just

stab me

 

[table]

what happened?

 

[CoffeeCup]

my little siblings happened

 

[SeriousMusician]

Oh.

 

[book]

oh good luck

 

[SeriousMusician]

Yes, good luck.

 

[CoffeeCup]

thanks, i’ll need it

 

[book]

i wish i could come help but i have my own little siblings to take care of

premal’s off doing something

 

[CoffeeCup]

i’m stuck in hell

i think they’re going to summon satan

 

[SeriousMusician]

Mordelia tried to do that once.

 

[CoffeeCup]

let’s never make them meet

 

[SeriousMusician]

Agreed.

 

[diary]

smtimes i wish i had a sibling but then i hear the tales of the bunce household and i realize thats a terrible idea

 

[book]

it is

 

[SeriousMusician]

Mordelia once replaced every painting in my room with various pictures of birds.

I’m not even sure how.

But she did.

 

[CoffeeCup]

eva once hid in the kitchen cupboard and jumpscared me

they’re at a violent age

and marco jumpscared me two minutes later from a different cupboard in the kitchen

they’ve also painted all of the dolls’ eyes black and put fake blood on their faces

 

[SeriousMusician]

Those are not siblings, Micah.

Those are demons.

 

[CoffeeCup]

yeah im pretty sure they are

 

[SeriousMusician]

You have one more sister, right?

 

[CoffeeCup]

yeah, elena

she’s more like gaud

you know, on tumblr?

 

[SeriousMusician]

Yeah.

 

[CoffeeCup]

yesterday she said that skin is a leather onesie and i havent been the same since

 

[book]

oh god

 

[diary]

r all ur siblings demons?

 

[CoffeeCup]

nah eva and marco are the demons

elena’s like an all knowing god

i’m the ghost of the family

the coffee ghost

 

[bed]

micah im pretty sure your siblings are not human

 

[CoffeeCup]

i wouldn’t be surprised

oh shit

they’re looking at an old book WHERE DID THEY GET THIS FROM

okay it’s gotten more normal

now they’re putting fake blood on dolls

what is their obsession with fake blood

well i’m fucked

i just asked elena that and she said “how do you know it’s fake?”

 

[CoffeeCup]

THEY ARE TALKING IN FUCKING LATIN

NOT EVEN TALKING

FUCKING CHANTING

THEY’RE CHANTING IN LATIN

 

_CoffeeCup sent a video._

 

[table]

good luck you’re going to die

satan will come to your house

 

[diary]

who you gonna call

 

[book]

ghostbusters

 

[bed]

goat’s butter!

wait WHAT

it’s goat’s butter

not ghostbusters

 

[book]

dev no offense but what the FUCK

 

[table]

babe we literally watched the movie a couple nights ago

 

[bed]

idk

i just kept hearing “goat’s butter” and i thought “why are they telling people to call goat’s butter?”

 

[diary]

apparently we should call goat’s butter to get rid of micah’s demon siblings

 

[CoffeeCup]

what the hap is fuckening

i think they may have succeeded in summoning satan

the lights came on

 

[table]

tHE LIGHTS WERE OFF?!

 

[CoffeeCup]

yeah

okay it was just elena

but she’s smiling weirdly

 

[bed]

plot twist: elena is satan

 

[CoffeeCup]

You will die in nine days.

 

[SeriousMusician]

Joke’s on you, I’m already dead inside.

 

[CoffeeCup]

sorry about that elena took my phone

baz are you okay?? mood but are you okay?

 

[SeriousMusician]

Never.

But thank you for asking.

 

[table]

are any of us okay?

 

[bed]

being okay? in this economy?

 

[book]

okay so

premal came home

which means im free

 

[CoffeeCup]

darling you’re so lucky i’m stuck here for two more hours

 

[book]

good luck

so anyway

i’m at the cafe

and this girl said hi to me

and i may have accidentally said “who the fuck are you?”

 

[table]

how do you accidentally say “who the fuck are you?”

 

[book]

not sure

turns out it was this girl from school

i did not remember her at all

i think i talked to her like once

in math

who remembers people that they talked to once?

 

[table]

simon

 

[bed]

simon

 

[CoffeeCup]

yeah

simon

 

[diary]

guys

im not as social as you think i am

 

[SeriousMusician]

Yes, you are.

 

[book]

how you have so many friends is beyond all of us

i hate most of our grade

they’re all completely idiotic and annoying

 

[SeriousMusician]

That’s true

 

[book]

so then the girl just gave me a weird look and walked away

like

thank goodness

 

[CoffeeCup]

Thank Satan.

sorry, elena took my phone again

i swear, one of these days they’re going to kill me

 

[bed]

hey baz did you post your poetry anywhere we dont know about

 

[SeriousMusician]

Probably.

Why, did you find anything?

 

[bed]

“where did you come from?

 

[SeriousMusican]

Oh, fuck, not this one.

Please shut the fuck up.

 

[table]

where did you come from

where did you go

where did you come from cotton eyed joe

 

[CoffeeCup]

SDKSDJSKDKSKD

 

[bed]

baz wrote cotton eyed joe CONFIRMED

 

[diary]

asdfghjjkkjhjk did you babe

did you write cotton eyed joe

 

[SeriousMusician]

No, I did not.

The actual poem is worse.

And I am grateful Dev didn’t finish typing it.

 

[bed]

i decided to save you from the embarrassment

it’s a decent poem anyway

not your best, but not your worst

when did you write it

 

[SeriousMusician]

When I was sixteen.

 

_A little later_

 

[diary]

im boredd

 

[CoffeeCup]

eva and marco are playing with their toys

they’re making this really fucking weird story

all i’ve managed to get is that theres a queen who chooses a husband at a ball and is planning to kill him but the husband dude is in love with this other person and then they run away or something

theres this forest spirit ruler who is planning to kill the queen and she sent one of the people in the forest to kill her and she goes to the ball but then she falls in love with the sister of the person that the husband dude is in love with

i dont fucking know theres so many plotlines it’s so complicated

i should also mention the queen kills lots of people and just disguises it as “they go missing”

half of it is in spanish the other half is in english

it’s a mess

 

[diary]

holy SHIT

[CoffeeCup]

okay they stopped

FUCK THEY’RE GONE

 

[table]

how do you lose two children

 

[CoffeeCup]

i had gone to the kitchen to make food

then they disappeared

 

[CoffeeCup]

okay i found eva

i have not found marco

 

[diary]

yell “marco” and see if he replies with “polo”

 

[CoffeeCup]

i found him

he locked himself in the closet

 

[bed]

SAME

 

[CoffeeCup]

FUCK ELENA ISNT HERE

okay shes sitting on the kitchen counter

you know that game in club penguin where you have to get all the puffles in the square

 

[diary]

pufflescape?

 

[CoffeeCup]

YES

you also played club penguin??

 

[diary]

of course!!

who didnt?

 

[SeriousMusician]

I didn’t.

 

[book]

well we’ve established that you didnt have a childhood baz

 

[SeriousMusician]

I’m not even going to disagree.

 

[CoffeeCup]

okay so anyway

babysitting my siblings is like a game of pufflescape

but the puffles are demons

 

[diary]

wait niall you draw, right?

 

[table]

kinda

not really

dev draws more than me

 

[bed]

i just doodle in class

some teachers hate it

but i can doodle the demon pufflescape game

 

[diary]

!!!

yayy!!!

 

[bed]

fun fact: when i was little i loved drawing club penguin drawings

 

[table]

thats adorable i want to see

 

[bed]

no please

also…

yeah

the drawings are dead

 

[table]

thats so dramatic i love you

but you’ll draw some new ones right?

 

[bed]

yeah of course

not good ones

i just doodle badly, i’m not really that into drawing

 

[table]

i love your doodles

and you

i love you

 

[book]

get a fucking room you guys

 

[bed]

how can we get a room in a group chat

 

[book]

dms

 

[table]

ah

we are fools

 

[CoffeeCup]

my question is how can you be _that_ couple over text and still be really adorable and yet serious and genuine

 

[table]

talent

 

[bed]

i’m not sure

 

[table]

maybe because we’ve been in love with each other for so long

 

[bed]

and we barely knew it

 

[table]

i knew it

 

[bed]

dont lie you didnt

 

[table]

i didn’t

not for most of the time

but i am

i’m in love with you

 

[book]

get

a

room

already

 

[SeriousMusician]

I don’t think you can say anything, Penny. You didn’t use that advice when you were kissing Micah in front of us.

 

[book]

fine

but you cant say anything either

you and simon arent exactly subtle

 

[diary]

oh my god we’re all _that_ couple

 

[book]

i guess we are

fine

we can all be sappy and shit in here

no judging from now on

 

[table]

awesome

 

[bed]

definitely not complaining

 

[CoffeeCup]

none of us are

i love you, penny

 

[book]

i love you too

 

_A little later_

 

[bed]

hey who plays a sport

 

[diary]

likes to play or is good at playing?

 

[bed]

idk

both?

either?

 

[diary]

i like to play football (soccer for micah) but im not amazing at it

unlike baz

 

[CoffeeCup]

(i’m smart enough to realize that you mean soccer by football)

 

[SeriousMusician]

I am good at football and I enjoy it.

 

[table]

not particularly good at any but sports arent terrible

 

[CoffeeCup]

i play baseball

 

[bed]

im terrible at sports

i cant even hit a tennis ball

somehow i do everything wrong

i suck at most things, but especially sports

also i’m annoyed

 

[CoffeeCup]

why?

 

[bed]

just, you know…

instruction following

if i follow instructions exactly, then i’m “not thinking outside the box”

when i try to think outside the box, i apparently go off topic

so yeah

where the fuck is the line

where the fuck is the line between those two things

 

[table]

anything i can do?

 

[bed]

not unless you can make me understand how the fuck to stay on topic but expand my topic at the same time

 

[table]

i saw my grade for the test i had done on monday

 

[bed]

!!

what did you get?

 

[table]

a B

 

[bed]

thats good!!!

really good!!

 

[table]

i had some trouble on a couple of questions

 

[bed]

some of them were difficult

 

[table]

hey want to come over?

 

[bed]

hell yes

i could get a break from sebastian

he asked me if plants screamed if you picked them but their screams are too quiet for the human ear to hear

 

[CoffeeCup]

oh my

 

[bed]

bastian asks a lot of weird questions

 

[CoffeeCup]

well at least he isnt a demon

 

[bed]

good point

i dont envy you

or penny

or baz

 

[table]

i, the only child, dont envy any of you

 

[diary]

it would be nice to have a siblng for company but i dont mind being an only chlid

penny and i r basiclaly siblings anywya

 

[bed]

he’s asking me more about the silent screaming

i’m having an existential crisis

i swear, seb is having one 24/7

 

[diary]

how many nicknames does your little brother have??

 

[bed]

well there’s bastian, seb, garbage can, and sebby

 

[book]

one of those isnt like the others

 

[table]

you’re right sebby is a little different

 

[bed]

i called him garbage can once

 

[book]

i figured

 

[bed]

then he took the “gar” from “garbage” and the “can” from, well, “can” and made everyone call him garcan because it sounds cool

he always manages to turn my insults around

i can never do that

so i’m stuck with sebastian calling me names and me trying to say something back but he always manages to turn it around

and apparently i’m always the one that’s at fault because he’s younger than me

apparently me having a literal meltdown in my room after some arguments doesnt mean that sebastian is also at fault

 

[diary]

oh… i’m so sorry…

 

[bed]

it’s okay

it’s not that bad

i’m not having a meltdown right now

[diary]

still

its fucked up

they shouldnt do that

 

[table]

i’ve been telling you that for years

 

[SeriousMusician]

I had no idea they are like that.

You could have told me something.

 

[bed]

they’re your family

i didnt want to ruin your image of it

 

[SeriousMusician]

Our family was ruined the second my father didn’t accept me.

Our family was ruined a long time ago.

It’s flawed, like all families, but our family is _flawed_.

 

[bed]

yeah

baz, you’re really the only family i have

 

[table]

maybe by blood, but remember

family isnt limited by blood

 

[diary]

yeah!

we’re your family

we may be weird but we’re not terrible

 

[book]

yeah

we’re your family

 

[CoffeeCup]

and we’re here for you

 

[table]

we are

 

[SeriousMusician]

You can talk to us.

 

[bed]

thanks

thank you, really

you guys are the best

 

[book]

yes we are and we will support you 100%

 

[bed]

thanks

well

anyway

new topic

 

[book]

i wish we had school

it isnt that rainy

they’re cowards

 

[diary]

i mean its mroe rainy @ shcool

 

[book]

they’re cowards

 

[diary]

penny not everyones a coward

 

[book]

yes they are

 

[table]

yes they are

 

[book]

why are you agreeing with me

 

[table]

idk i felt like someone had to

 

[bed]

do you ever realize how weird umbrellas are

 

[CoffeeCup]

elaborate

 

[bed]

like

why are they round

 

[book]

because water may approach you from all directions

so the shape of an umbrella must be such that you are equidistant from all its edges

the shape of an umbrella must be more or less circular

 

[diary]

penny why do you know this

 

[bed]

thanks

also why is the handle curved?

 

[book]

it was intended to allow a servant to easily hold the umbrella at an angle to shield their employer

today we mostly use the curved handle to hang the umbrella from the arm

 

[bed]

penny thank you so much

 

[book]

Education™

 

_Later_

 

[bed]

eggs

sorry that was out of context

just

how did we come up with so many ways to cook eggs?

 

[SeriousMusician]

You know, that is actually a good question.

 

[bed]

googling it

 

[bed]

eggs are actually really interesting

 

[bed]

eggs are extremely interesting

 

[CoffeeCup]

i leave for a couple of hours and i come back to “eggs are extremely interesting”

 

[bed]

they are!

did you know that no one really knows how eggs benedict were created

the word “egg” tracks back to a prehistoric indo-european source related to words for “bird”

now i’m reading about egg symbolism

this is super interesting

 

[book]

send the link coward

 

[bed]

gladly

 

_bed sent a link._

 

[diary]

wow thats long

 

_Later_

 

[book]

you were right that was extremely interesting

 

[bed]

see?

_see?_

i’m not boring

the things i find interesting aren’t boring

i’m not boring

 

[table]

no one ever said you were

 

[bed]

lots of people say i am

have you not noticed

 

[table]

oh you mean generally

well those people suck and dont know anything

you are smart and amazing and eggs are fascinating

no one ever thinks about this stuff but you do and you make our lives more interesting by talking to us about the history of eggs

 

[bed]

. . .thanks

it’s not weird?

 

[table]

oh it’s weird all right

but i love it

i love you and your weirdness

i love all of you

and every single weird thing you say makes me love you even more

 

[bed]

thanks…

i love you too

 

[table]

now, history of eggs

change your username to something egg related

go overboard with this

 

[egg]

done

 

[table]

i was thinking something cooler but okay

 

[scrambledegg]

better?

 

[table]

i love you so much

wait

change it back to egg

i have an idea

 

[egg]

okay

 

[scrambled]

like my idea?

 

[egg]

egg scrambled?

wait shit

scrambled egg!

i love it

did you know the ancient romans scrambled eggs?

 

[scrambled]

tell me more

 

[egg]

well, technically these were omelettes

the first omelettes

they mixed them up with vegetables and spices and baked them

a 14th century italian text references scrambled eggs

sorry i’ll stop

 

[scrambled]

don’t apologise and you dont have to stop

i never want you to stop

i want you to tell me everything you know about eggs until you dont want to anymore

i want to be the person you ramble about eggs to for hours

i want you to ramble on to me about anything you want

i’ll listen, my love

 

[bed]

and i’ll talk

i want to talk to you

i really do

and i really love you

i love you

and thank you

i’ll talk, my love

 

[scrambled]

then do

 

[bed]

i have to go

 

[scrambled]

then talk later

 

[bed]

i will

 

[scrambled]

i love you

 

[bed]

i love you too

 

[scrambled]

i’ll meet you later?

 

[bed]

you’ll meet me later

 

_The next day_

 

[scrambled]

apparently i have to spend the day babysitting some of my younger cousins

kill me now

anyone want to help?

preferably someone good with kids?

 

[SeriousMusician]

I can come in the afternoon, but not in the morning.

 

[diary]

i can come

 

[egg]

i have homework to do

sorry, darling

i may be able to come later though

 

[scrambled]

so we have simon and thats it

okay

i barely know these kids

 

[diary]

im g8 w kidz

 

[SeriousMusician]

Because you’re the most immature person I know.

 

[diary]

exactly!

 

[scrambled]

well anyone is better with kids than i am

 

[diary]

should i come over now or l8er?

 

[scrambled]

NOW

PLEASE

IM DYING HERE

THE FIRST CHILD IS HERE

 

[scrambled]

more children are here

simon where are you

im hiding in my room until my parents leave

 

[diary]

im outside

 

[scrambled]

ok wait i’ll let you in

 

_A few minutes later_

 

[diary]

niall was not kidding when he said hes terrible with kids

he sat down with them on the carpet and said “hey kids wanna buy some drugs”

 

[egg]

what the FUCK

 

[scrambled]

i PANICKED

 

[CoffeeCup]

oh my

 

[book]

what did they say?

 

[diary]

the oldest said “um, no”

OH SHIT

 

[SeriousMusician]

What happened?

 

[diary]

okay everythings good

niall is teaching them about eggs

 

[bed]

i’m proud of you darling!!

 

[diary]

they are not interested

 

[bed]

oh

well i wasnt expecting anything else

at least niall tried

maybe you should help him

 

[diary]

good idea

how

 

[egg]

get the kids to play a game

a puzzle

club penguin

idk

im not sure what sebastian does we’re not that close

i just played with my playmobil as a kid

and obviously club penguin

 

[diary]

niall only has jenga

 

[egg]

i am disappointed

wheres your sense of chaos

where is monopoly

 

[scrambled]

locked away

 

[egg]

_wheres your sense of chaos niall_

_where is it_

 

[scrambled]

locked away with monopoly

 

[diary]

okay the kids are playing jenga

 

[egg]

i find jenga really boring

i also find monopoly boring, to be honest

but stuff with a storyline? hell yes

i love storylines

 

_A little while later_

 

[diary]

the kids are having fun

everythings good

except niall

hes panicking in the kitchen

someone come help

 

[egg]

i will

 

[SeriousMusician]

I’ll be there as well.

 

[CoffeeCup]

keep us updated

 

_Some time later_

 

[diary]

nialls okay, the children are continuing to have fun

baz is incredible with kids

thats something i learned today

hes singing to the kids

 

[book]

baz _sings_?

 

[diary]

yeah apparently

 

_diary sent a video._

 

[CoffeeCup]

i was not expecting that

then again he likes hedgehogs

 

[diary]

he always says hes terrible with kids

well that was a lie

 

[scrambled]

oh yeah baz is great with kids

then again everyones good with kids for me

im awful with them

 

[egg]

i’m not that good with kids

and i’m terrible with sebastian

 

[CoffeeCup]

my siblings are most likely demons but i’m pretty good with kids

 

[diary]

your siblings are definitely demons micah

 

[scrambled]

MY PARENTS CAME HOME

WE’RE FREE FROM THE CHILDREN

 

[egg]

awesome

maybe we can get something to eat

i drank like 5 juice boxes

[scrambled]

so that’s where they went

 

[egg]

yeah

 

[diary]

they were meant for the kids

 

[egg]

i am a kid

 

[SeriousMusician]

Dev, you’re seventeen.

 

[egg]

_i am a kid_

_give me the juice boxes_

_i want the juice boxes_

 

[scrambled]

we can get more juice boxes

meet you at the supermarket in ten minutes?

 

[egg]

hell yes

give me the juicy juice

 

[scrambled]

you’ll get the juicy juice

 

[egg]

yes juicy juice

 

[SeriousMusician]

. . .

I would say you’re drunk but you rarely drink.

 

[egg]

drunk on juice

 

[SeriousMusician]

Anyway, I have homework.

 

[book]

and our math project

 

[SeriousMusician]

We’ll work on it tomorrow.

 

[book]

ok

 

_Later_

 

[egg]

i accidentally told seb about eggs

now he thinks im even weirder than he thought i was

 

[scrambled]

he thinks _you’re_ weird?

he asked if plants silently scream when you picked them

 

[egg]

yeah well

theres a difference to him

eggs are just

they’re interesting

 

[scrambled]

yes they are

 

[egg]

he told me that no one is interested in eggs or anything i have to say

which i mean

it’s sort of true…

 

[scrambled]

it is _not_ true

i’m interested in eggs

i’m interested in eggs _and_ everything you have to say

you’re clever to even think about this

most of us just accept eggs exist

 

[eggs]

is this a weird conversation?

 

[scrambled]

not with context

 

[egg]

hey, niall?

 

[scrambled]

yeah?

 

[egg]

i love you

i love you so much

 

[scrambled]

i love you too

so much.

 

[egg]

i’ll see you tomorrow?

 

[scrambled]

we’ll see each other tomorrow

 

.

_In the middle of the night_

 

[diary]

is natural murder a thing?

 

[book]

no???

 

[diary]

srry im just super tired

 

[book]

go to sleep

 

[diary]

might just do thta

 

[egg]

eggs are like potatoes

[book]

how??

 

[egg]

you can cook them many different ways

 

[book]

i-

i guess…

 

_The next day_

 

[diary]

it fees lkie school shoudl b starting

 

[book]

yes, because we have a 3 day weekend

 

[diary]

honestly im bored

 

[book]

it’s barely after 9 am and you’re already bored?

eat breakfast

 

[diary]

i already did

 

[book]

when has that ever stopped you?

 

[diary]

ive already eaten breakfast

twice

 

[book]

study

 

[diary]

at 9:15 in the morning?

 

[book]

fine

read a book

 

[diary]

again, at 9:15 in the morning

 

[book]

just do something

i can’t come over yet

it’s too early

 

[egg]

i for one dont want to go to school

i hate school

and it’s not like “oh i hate school but at least i get to see my friends”

i have two friends and i see them both out of school

 

[diary]

you have more friends than that, dev

you have 5 friends

we’re all your friends

 

[egg]

oh

oh

i-

sorry

 

[diary]

unless you dont consider us your friends

 

[egg]

no i do

i really do

i guess i don’t really know what counts as a friend

 

[diary]

thats okay

 

[egg]

i’ve never had this many friends before

it’s weird

a good weird

a really good weird

 

[diary]

of course a good weird!

 

[book]

i mean yeah

we’re obviously friends

 

[diary]

and thats coming from penny!

 

[egg]

i just

sorry

of course we’re friends

sorry

 

[diary]

no need to apologise

 

[egg]

i have trouble distinguishing between friend and acquaintance

 

[CoffeeCup]

well, we’re all definitely friends

we do friend stuff with each other

 

[scrambled]

just woke up dev you have many friends

 

[egg]

apparently i do

thanks you guys

 

_diary renamed the chat to “friends”_

 

[book]

thats such a simple name but okay

it works

 

[egg]

fandoms are online clubs

 

[diary]

kinda??

yeah

yeah i guess they are

 

_An hour or so later_

 

_diary > SeriousMusician _

[diary]

hey baz

 

[SeriousMusician]

Yes?

 

[diary]

remember when you were typing in greek

 

[SeriousMusician]

Yes… Why are you asking?

 

[diary]

what did the second thing you said mean

 

[SeriousMusician]

Google it if you’re so curious.

 

_our families suck (for the most part)_

 

[SeriousMusician]

So you know how I haven’t done anything stupid in a while?

 

[scrambled]

oh no

 

[SeriousMusician]

Oh no is correct.

 

_siofrelief > SeriousMusician _

[siofrelief]

ok

what was it again

 

[SeriousMusician]

It meant “please stop.”

 

[siofrelief]

no it didnt

i was curious so i googled “please stop in greek”

i didnt recognise the words

just tell me

were you…

insulting me?

 

[SeriousMusician]

No, Simon.

 

[siofrelief]

oh

ok

then what did it mean?

 

[SeriousMusician]

Fine.

It meant. . .something.

 

[siofrelief]

very specific

so will you tell me or…?

 

[SeriousMusician]

Not yet.

 

[siofrelief]

oh ok

but soon?

 

[SeriousMusician]

Hopefully.

 

_our families suck (for the most part)_

 

[scrambled]

dont leave me in suspense

what did you do

 

[SeriousMusician]

Nothing.

Everything’s fine.

 

 

_friends_

 

[CoffeeCup]

imagine if a singer at a concert said “are y’all bready for this” and then threw bread at the crowd

 

[diary]

that does not sound breadful

 

[scrambled]

if it was the middle of the night it would be okay to think this

but it isnt

micah whats going on

 

[CoffeeCup]

i’m not sure

i just thought that randomly

 

[egg]

do you ever get a genius idea that is completely stupid

 

[siofrelief]

lots of times

tell us your idea

 

[egg]

a musical

about eggs

 

[SeriousMusician]

. . .Okay. . .

 

[egg]

like the history of eggs

who here sings

 

[siofrelief]

baz does!

 

[CoffeeCup]

i do

 

[egg]

ok so two people

we can do this

 

[siofrelief]

w8 r we actually doing this?

 

[egg]

well it’s an idea

and we’re all bored, aren’t we?

 

[siofrelief]

yeah

okay lets do this

 

[CoffeeCup]

hamilton? whats that? i only know eggs: the musical

 

[siofrelief]

djskdjskdjskjdskj

 

[Pensandpencils]

okay

dev, you handle the history aspect

wait i’ll make a google drive folder

 

[scrambled]

i sing a tiny bit

not as well as baz or micah though

 

[SeriousMusician]

Share the folder with us.

 

[Pensandpencils]

already did, check your email

 

_Later_

 

[CoffeeCup]

i have to say this is some pretty good organizing

we should meet up and talk about this more

 

[siofrelief]

yea

and try to rehearse

 

[SeriousMusician]

We’re nowhere near that stage.

 

[siofrelief]

i say we go to bazs house bc its the biggest and we might need room

 

[SeriousMusician]

I’m alright with that.

 

[egg]

i cant believe we’re actually making something out of my dumb idea

 

[scrambled]

well, we are

okay, baz’s house?

 

[SeriousMusician]

Yes.

Bring your laptops.

 

 

_Evening_

 

[BazTheHedgehogGod]

hey guys its simon here

 

[scrambled]

simon the youtuber

 

[BazTheHedgehogGod]

asdfghjklghjklhh

but yea

i changed bazs username again

 

[Pensandpencils]

one, is that all you do when you’re over there?

two, you’re still over there?

 

[siofrelief]

yeah im still over here

and no

we do other stuff

like one time we played monopoly

 

[CoffeeCup]

you two survived monopoly?

 

[siofrelief]

yup

 

[Pensandpencils]

who won?

 

[siofrelief]

not sure

 

[Pensandpencils]

how are you not sure

 

[scrambled]

i bet they got

distracted

 

[SeriousMusician]

Not at all.

 

[siofrelief]

baz wanted to read all the instructions and it took forever

 

[SeriousMusician]

And then you decided to turn it into a make-out session.

 

[siofrelief]

you sure werent complaining

 

[SeriousMusician]

I would never.

 

[bed]

that was a bit of a rollercoaster

 

[siofrelief]

penny you can stop telling me to go home im home

hopefully ill sleep well tonight

i havent gotten a good nights sleep since like…

summer vacation

 

[CoffeeCup]

mood

 

[egg]

big mood

 

[scrambled]

mood

 

[BazTheHedgehogGod]

At what time do you all sleep at?

 

[siofrelief]

you dont want to know babe

 

[egg]

you definitely dont want to know

 

[scrambled]

you would probably kill us

or like

make us sleep earlier

 

[Pensandpencils]

wait

are you implying baz is the mum friend

 

[siofrelief]

BAZ IS THE MUM FRIEND???

 

[scrambled]

he definitely is the responsible one

and he cares about us a lot

 

[BazTheHedgehogGod]

Of course I do.

 

[Pensandpencils]

oh my god i cant believe this

baz is the mum friend

 

[BazTheHedgehogGod]

. . .I’m guessing you want me to change my username?

 

[siofrelief]

YES

 

[TheMumFriend]

Fine.

 

[CoffeeCup]

OH MY DEAR

BAZ IS THE MOM FRIEND

 

[TheMumFriend]

Penelope is also the mum friend.

 

[Pensandpencils]

we’ve all accepted that baz

but you being the mum friend is something we didnt expect

 

[scrambled]

i am inspired by baz the mum friend and i will go to bed now, at ten

 

[TheMumFriend]

Good.

I am also going to bed.

 

[egg]

no conspiracy theory videos?

 

_scrambled > egg _

[scrambled]

of course conspiracy theory videos

or anything else you want to watch

even your bad romcoms

in ten minutes?

 

[egg]

i hope you’re ready

i have something special tonight

 

[scrambled]

looking forward to it

 

_The middle of the night_

 

_siofrelief > TheMumFriend _

[siofrelief]

i went back so far on the gc until i found the greek sentence

so i google translated it

 

[TheMumFriend]

I…

 

[siofrelief]

do you mean it?

 

[TheMumFriend]

No.

 

[siofrelief]

oh

oh okay…

just

go to sleep

 

[TheMumFriend]

See you tomorrow?

 

[siofrelief]

whatever

 

_our families suck (for the most part)_

 

[TheMumFriend]

I think I just destroyed everything.

 

_Skype_

 

**Dev**

I pause the movie. “Baz is awake at this time?” I ask.

“It’s probably the first time,” Niall says. “I wonder what happened.”

“Maybe it’s not as bad as he thinks?”

“Maybe it’s worse.”

“Yeah… you’re right.”

 

_our families suck (for the most part)_

 

[scrambled]

what happened??

 

[TheMumFriend]

Never mind.

Go back to whatever you’re doing.

I’ll deal with it.

 

[egg]

you sure?

 

[TheMumFriend]

Yes.

Just go to sleep.

 

_Skype_

 

**Niall**

“I hope everything’s okay,” I say.

“Me too… You want to continue or go to bed?”

“As much as I want to find out who Blue is, I think we should go to bed.”

“Look at you, being healthy,” he quietly giggles. (I love him so much.) I smile and say “Yeah, look at me, I’ll eat a salad for breakfast tomorrow.”

“A salad for breakfast? Now that’s just insane.”

“I love you,” I say.

“I love you too.”

“Goodnight?”

“Goodnight, my love.”

 

_End of call._

 

_The next day, at lunch_

 

_TheMumFriend > Pensandpencils _

[TheMumFriend]

Tell Simon I’m sorry.

I did something completely stupid.

He’s avoiding me.

 

_TheMumFriend > siofrelief _

[TheMumFriend]

Simon, please.

_A few minutes later_

 

[siofrelief]

why did you say you didnt mean it

you cant tell me i love you and then say you dont mean it

its not fair

its anything but fair

 

[TheMumFriend]

I meant it.

I meant it.

 

[siofrelief]

then why did you say you didnt

 

[TheMumFriend]

I panicked.

I lied.

I’m sorry.

I meant it, Simon.

I love you.

 

[siofrelief]

i love you too

was it really that hard?

 

[TheMumFriend]

In a way, yes.

I’m sorry.

Σε αγαπώ.

I love you.

 

[siofrelief]

Σε αγαπώ as well.

now come eat lunch with me

 

[TheMumFriend]

Under the tree?

 

[siofrelief]

of course.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading! the egg history link is here if anyone is curious: http://www.foodtimeline.org/foodeggs.html 
> 
> but yeah, please comment! as i said before, i love reading what you thought and what your favorite parts were! (also sorry for the angsty parts) (and i'm sure you'll be able to guess what movie dev and niall were watching)


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